I can't deny it. I love it when media goes bad. Today I'm talking about horrible movies and vomit-inducing writing. I can't get enough.
So, when I found out that these two "genres" can be combined, I was there. I'm talking today about Amazon Studios, a site which provides an outlet for amateur filmmakers and screenwriters to get their work onto the internet--it's like the YouTube of film. And, while there are many good screenplays and movies on the site, I couldn't care about them less. I'm rooting for the little guy, those who are throwing ideas onto the internet and seeing which ones stick. And although purposefully choosing and reviewing the least popular screenplays may seem a bit of an odd choice, but right now I see myself as the Robin Hood of bad screenplays.
So here are some of the screenplays I've read over the last few days, and a short synopsis of each. You should check them out, if only to give these people a bit of feedback. They have, after all, worked hard on these.
#1. Lobster Cop
That's right. Fucking Lobster Cop. Unfortunately, it's not about a human-crustacean hybrid, patrolling the streets with his own brand of justice; though that does sound pretty good. It's the typical, New York cop moves to New England to live the life of a lobster farmer type of movie. It's a comedy, though many of the jokes are pretty poorly timed. The lead role would need to be the charmingest man in the world to pull the humor out of this one. Nevertheless, it's decently written, with a fun, action-packed climax.
#2. Last Earth
I actually really enjoyed this one. Last Earth is a sci-fi story with an interesting premise and decent execution. The story begins with an advanced alien ship coming to Earth. We soon find that the aliens are actually an ancient race of Humans, who populated this planet as a colony hundreds of thousands of years ago. They look down at the current state of the planet and decide that we have failed the planet and it's time to start over with a new batch of humans. Intrepid astronauts must save the Earth, and the rest plays out. There are several great characters and relationships in the screenplay which really move it along, along with a plot which, at times, can be pretty exciting. Pacing and tone issues are present, but minor, and could be ironed out with another draft.
#3. Easter Rising
This screenplay features Zombie Jesus. Normally this would be a quick way of assuring my seal of approval, but this screenplay is so poorly written, I couldn't get through it. It's a zombie flick that centers around a biblical curse which causes anything that dies and is buried over Easter weekend rises from its grave--get it? like Jesus! However, the script is so badly written on the technical level (spelling, grammar, syntax, everything) that it's like something I would have written when I was 12. Skip this one until a better draft emerges.
#4. Black Wars Deus Ex Macchina
Oh man. I'm going to spend a lot of time on this one. Here's a sample of the screenplay, to show you why:
SyndiEsisOh no you don’t when I say oh no you don’t I can be your size and take you on suckers. Come on beat on a women your size. There, settle. You sea carbuncles. Well look at me, my mind’s eye reflects ain’t she a beauty. I love my new coif. Look at those foils. Whoa baby come back. I can get a big black dog marine’s tags excited. Dressed to the nines and speaking with a hitch, like a witch from Holly’s hood. I get away from my danger. I finally get to use human colored personifications of scalar matter scatter energy fields.
Her military patch still there adorning a strong upper arm. With her matter energy goose bumps began pulverizing to smitherines the would be piranha still alive on her skin.
Oh yeah, it's all like that. I didn't even pick the worst, I just chose a patch of dialogue at random and reproduced it here. To the best of my knowledge, this screenplay was written by, oh, what's the word? A crazy person. That being said, it's a hell of a time to read.
The rules of grammar, syntax, vocabulary--the rules of writing itself mean nothing in this world of quantum strangeness and military conspiracies. From what I can decode, people transform into whales, make clothing out of leaves with the aid of "quantum friction," and perform many, many more inconceivable or indecipherable feats. It could be that the screenplay is written in some sort of schizophrenic shorthand that only the author can read, and, in that case, I'm doomed in trying to understand it. But, every few pages you find a sentence that makes sense, and it's beautiful. It's like finding an oasis in a desert of bad writing. The sentences that do make sense sound like they've been taking from a space-obsessed, prog-rock band.
For example:
Oh man, what does it mean?! Wait, who is this character?COUNTERCULTURE HUSBAND MALEWhat would it take for you to liberate me from this interpolate creature from hell?
It's strange, but I can't keep my eyes off of this screenplay. On one hand, it's the worst thing I've ever read, but on the other...genius. I'm finding it harder and harder to type coherently, I think I've been infected by it.
END OF TRANSMISSION LINE CODE ALPHA. THE POROUS METAL APERTURE LEAKING FLUIDS OF LIFE ONTO THE STARBRIGHT COSMOSPHERE FOUND NOTHING OF INTEREST THERE. FRANTIC RAMP LOADNG DOCKS OF IRIDESCENT WHO IS THERE TO FIND ME. Anyway, see you next time, keep reading. BEGIN NEW TRANSMISSION FORWARD TO HIGH COUNCIL MEETING FURNACE TURNED TO HIGH BURN BURN BURN.
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