Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Ruler of the Universe

"Bleh!" cried the ruler of the universe, "it's cold!"

The squat figure spun to face his minions as the bowl fell to the floor and shattered. "Someone must die for this," he snarled, "You, Minion. Kill the one beside you."

"Um...on the left or the right?" the armored figure asked, looking back and forth.

The ruler of the universe sighed; good minions were so hard to find. "You, other Minion, kill him for his insolence."

The knife was swift and soon met its target. The body was dragged out by a cleaning crew, which luckily was nearby mopping minion-blood off of the corridor, the remnant of an earlier outrage. Satisfied, the ruler of the universe turned once again to the main viewing window. He was very young to be in such a position of power, having only about 3000 years, but he knew how to give orders. He stared out from his fortress, deep within the core of a yellow star, inpenetrable to all but the most powerful of beings. Beings like me, he thought, grinning.

"Zorgnnn!" he shouted, and soon his most trusted, his bodyguard and advisor, stood at his side, "I'd like to have some fun today."

The ruler of the universe formulated plans, mischief, and mayhem, most of which involved the system of planets in orbit about his stellar fortress, none of which he cared for very much. He spent long periods either in deep thought or maniacal laughter until finally it was decided. "The third planet," said the ruler of the universe, "destroy it. The minions there have been unfaithful to me." "But m'Lord, your father created that planet specially, for you, are you sure?" said Zorgnnn, carefully. But his plead fell on deaf ears. The ruler of the universe was not to be questioned. Thus, in the space of a day, the fate of Earth was decided, and in the space of a hundred years, the average temperature on the insignificant planet increased by over 3 Kelvin, causing panic among the populace and marking the single greatest practical joke the cosmos has ever seen.

Sunday, November 18, 2007



That's right.

To all of my loyal fans, (hi mom!) I'm gonna be back posting only the best in ka-razy writings directly from my mind to your computer screen.

P.S. Notice the quick nav bar I added to the right side, to easily facilitate your meanderings through the darkest corners of my mind, and the website.

Epic Limerick - The Secular Tragedy Part II of III

There once was a land far away
How far? Nobody could say
You’d walk, run, or hike
Or sail, fly, or bike
And still you’d be quite far astray*

But upon this land so fair
Came a man with matted brown hair
On the shore, his two feet
Made their journey complete
Regardless of how they got there

His name is Sir Captain MacMuffin
Who liked to show children his “stuffin”**
He spent time in jail
But got out on bail
Ran away “fer all or fer nuthin!”**

An important thing happened that day
Said he, “I’m changing my way!
Right now is the time
I’m absolved of my crime***
And inside my clothing I’ll stay"

And while exploring the rest of the sand
He found a more magical land
Gum drops and gum bears
Skipped down chocolate carved stairs
And frolicked, with candy in hand

while looking upon this gay**** scene
a smile, was said, to be seen
creeping onto his face
he approved of this place
as if it were out of a dream

when the mayor of said happy town
Looking regal in licorice gown
Carried her edible gavel
Walked on edible gravel
And had this to say, with a frown

She said,
“Um, hi there!…let’s see, but according to provision 366B of the official HappyCandyTown--" the quickly gathering crowd of delicious mythical creatures cheered at the mention of the city, "--town charter, before entering the city limits—that’s anywhere within the chocolate-paved area here—you’re going to need to head on down to the HappyFunTimeStation,” she said, and gestured to a small gingerbread building to her left, “and fill out a…er…sex…offender…registra-
tion form. It’s formality really,” she laughed gaily at this, “but it’s just so we know that you’re a pedo, alright? Awww, you look sad now…here, have a lolly!”

the end.

* Actual distance may vary.
** Direct quotations from Mr. MacMuffin during his 2006 trial.
*** Actually a series of seven suspected crimes committed in 5 states.
**** Not like that, you sicko.

The Outdoorsman

“So then…I gutted him like a fish.” I leaned forward and asked him, “What was that like?” The grim-faced man, sitting opposite the campfire replied, “Well, it was a fish, so it was pretty much standard procedure.” “Ah, I see, and then what happened?” “Well,” he said, noticing that he’d burnt another marshmallow for the sake of dramatic pause, “the one thing I didn’t count on was the smell of that fish attracting the grizzlies—and that is absolutely true—I didn’t get a wink of sleep that night. I spent it mostly running from tree to tree, trying to hide my greasy, fish scented scent from the bloodthirsty bears…Of course, once I’d killed a few of them, they got the point and left me alone. But that’s not the point, you see. The point is this, if there is a point to this bloody story, the decisions you make in the wilderness are never pointless,” he paused once more, both for effect and to impale an unsuspecting mallow, “for example, the day after I’d killed the grizzlies with my bare hands—do you get the joke?—good, because it’s not one, I ripped their paws off and beat the bears to death with ‘em. Bare hands, bear hands, it’s a pun.” I laughed, but only to keep my hands attached to my body. His attempts at wordplay were not enough to quell my rising doubts. I thought, maybe it just was the way light from the flames danced across his face, or his eye patch, or maybe the way he seemed so comfortable atop a freshly dispatched bear carcass, one which he had beaten to death only moments before, but I wasn’t so sure that I could trust this man, not anymore. “So the next day,” he continued, “I found myself in a clearing, and goddammit it was the prettiest sight I’ve seen in my life. I walked through the tall grasses, sniffed the wildflowers, and frolicked amongst the trees—but I swear to god, if you tell anybody about that I will rip your ankles off and beat you to death with them—and suddenly I came across a whole bunch of wild shrubs, just full of blackberries, and I ate every single berry that I could see, musta been pounds of ‘em, and it wasn’t until after that I realized that they weren’t blackberries at all.” “Do you know what they were?” “Hell no, and at this point I don’t even want to know. I nearly died out there that day, puking my guts out all over the grasses and wildflowers. It was the first time I’d been that close to death.” The Outdoorsman became silent at this; he lowered his head, not speaking for several moments. Until I asked, “So what did you do?” “After that--” he stopped again, the memory of it pained him in a way that I would never have guessed possible, “I just, woke up.” I woke up, to the blare of the alarm clock shaking the dream from my mind.