Tuesday, November 27, 2007

The Ruler of the Universe

"Bleh!" cried the ruler of the universe, "it's cold!"

The squat figure spun to face his minions as the bowl fell to the floor and shattered. "Someone must die for this," he snarled, "You, Minion. Kill the one beside you."

"Um...on the left or the right?" the armored figure asked, looking back and forth.

The ruler of the universe sighed; good minions were so hard to find. "You, other Minion, kill him for his insolence."

The knife was swift and soon met its target. The body was dragged out by a cleaning crew, which luckily was nearby mopping minion-blood off of the corridor, the remnant of an earlier outrage. Satisfied, the ruler of the universe turned once again to the main viewing window. He was very young to be in such a position of power, having only about 3000 years, but he knew how to give orders. He stared out from his fortress, deep within the core of a yellow star, inpenetrable to all but the most powerful of beings. Beings like me, he thought, grinning.

"Zorgnnn!" he shouted, and soon his most trusted, his bodyguard and advisor, stood at his side, "I'd like to have some fun today."

The ruler of the universe formulated plans, mischief, and mayhem, most of which involved the system of planets in orbit about his stellar fortress, none of which he cared for very much. He spent long periods either in deep thought or maniacal laughter until finally it was decided. "The third planet," said the ruler of the universe, "destroy it. The minions there have been unfaithful to me." "But m'Lord, your father created that planet specially, for you, are you sure?" said Zorgnnn, carefully. But his plead fell on deaf ears. The ruler of the universe was not to be questioned. Thus, in the space of a day, the fate of Earth was decided, and in the space of a hundred years, the average temperature on the insignificant planet increased by over 3 Kelvin, causing panic among the populace and marking the single greatest practical joke the cosmos has ever seen.

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