How far? Nobody could say
You’d walk, run, or hike
Or sail, fly, or bike
And still you’d be quite far astray*
But upon this land so fair
Came a man with matted brown hair
On the shore, his two feet
Made their journey complete
Regardless of how they got there
His name is Sir Captain MacMuffin
Who liked to show children his “stuffin”**
He spent time in jail
But got out on bail
Ran away “fer all or fer nuthin!”**
An important thing happened that day
Said he, “I’m changing my way!
Right now is the time
I’m absolved of my crime***
And inside my clothing I’ll stay"
And while exploring the rest of the sand
He found a more magical land
Gum drops and gum bears
Skipped down chocolate carved stairs
And frolicked, with candy in hand
while looking upon this gay**** scene
a smile, was said, to be seen
creeping onto his face
he approved of this place
as if it were out of a dream
when the mayor of said happy town
Looking regal in licorice gown
Carried her edible gavel
Walked on edible gravel
And had this to say, with a frown
“Um, hi there!…let’s see, but according to provision 366B of the official HappyCandyTown--" the quickly gathering crowd of delicious mythical creatures cheered at the mention of the city, "--town charter, before entering the city limits—that’s anywhere within the chocolate-paved area here—you’re going to need to head on down to the HappyFunTimeStation,” she said, and gestured to a small gingerbread building to her left, “and fill out a…er…sex…offender…registra-
* Actual distance may vary.
** Direct quotations from Mr. MacMuffin during his 2006 trial.
*** Actually a series of seven suspected crimes committed in 5 states.
**** Not like that, you sicko.