The Institution of Marriage

...in which I repost a valid opinion...

[posted by Reddit user isakk21]

The "I Write Like:" Test

...in which I subject my writing to a very unscientific algorithm for no better reason than to stroke my ego...

So, I know that you all have probably heard about I Write Like, which takes a sample of your writing and, through some sort of witchcraft, outputs a writer with a similar writing style. For example, say you're a terrible writer, it'll probably spit out something like Stephanie Meyer. You get the idea.

So, for the sake of an easy blog post, I'm going to put a few of my posts into the machine and tell you who I write like, good or bad.

For my post, Bored in the Lab, I wrote like: ARTHUR C. (motherfucking) CLARKE 

Getting my favorite author on the first try certainly isn't bad. Though it might mean that my work is derivative of his...let's keep going.

For my story, The Missing, I wrote like: Neil Gaiman.

Not too shabby, though I do expect that the algorithm wouldn't tell me if my writing were laughably terrible (which I sometimes suspect it is).

Remember my Corny Star Wars Fanfic? That was written like: Dan Brown.

Dammit. Oh well, since I was deliberately writing that one poorly...nope, no excuses. My bad.

Okay, one more. This one I consider to be the epitome of my writing--this is my masterpiece. My favorite piece of my own writing is, unquestionably, The Gospel According to Thom.

Part 1: Cory Doctorow (Blogger and Scifi writer. Sorry Cory, had to look you up. I'm ashamed.)
Part 2: Dan Brown (again? Shit. Oh well, he gets published, I don't.)
Part 3: Kurt Vonnegut (Well, good.)


So, that's the end of the experiment. I'm not sure that we learned anything, but we had some fun doing it, right? I'm a little bit worried that in one, continuous story I wrote like three very distinct authors. It's either my fault for being inconsistent, or the site's fault for being unscientific. I'll blame the site.

Cheers.


Oh and just in case you were wondering, I put the entirety of this post into the analyzer and got Cory Doctorow as the result.

An open letter to the armed services

...also a closed letter, I sent it in just now. Here's an unsolicited email I received from army recruiter yesterday... UNCLASSIFIED//// Dear JAMES HAZELTON, The U.S. Army is a place you will find your strength. Not only will you gain physical strength, emotional strength and strength of purpose, but the Army will strengthen your future as well. We offer many educational benefits and opportunities that will help you accomplish this. The Army has programs that can help you pay for college, pay off existing student loans, earn college credit or finish college without interruption. In fact, facilitating your education is one of the most important benefits you can receive as a Soldier. Army Reserve (Part-Time) * Army ROTC: Students at more than 700 colleges and universities nationwide can take advantage of one of the best leadership courses in America. Army Reserve Officers' Training Corps (ROTC) Cadets gain practical experience in management and problem solving while training to become Army officers. * The Army College Loan Repayment Program: Paying off your student loans becomes easier, with up to $20,000 for Soldiers who enlist part time in the Army Reserve; up to $20,000 for Soldiers who enlist in the Army Reserve for six years. * Education Career Stabilization (ECS) program: Many units in the Army Reserve now allow deferment from mobilization while you are in college, giving you an uninterrupted path to your degree. Active (Full-Time) Now you can qualify for up to $72,900 in college education benefits through The Army College Fund and Montgomery GI Bill. Additionally, whether you hold as few as 30 college hours or you already have a degree, you can earn an education bonus of up to $8,000 , depending on your qualifications. What's more, you can combine these education bonuses with the newly increased enlistment bonuses. With a four-year enlistment, you can now earn up to $40,000 for enlisting in a high-priority job skill. What's more, you might also qualify for up to $65,000 to pay off your federally insured student loans through the Army Loan Repayment Program. Limited bonuses are also available for an enlistment of as little as 15 months plus training. If you would like to discuss in greater detail how the Army can help facilitate your College desires please reply or contact me on my cell phone below. [contact info] To be removed from this mailing list please reply with the word “remove” in the subject line UNCLASSIFIED//// ...and the reply I sent back. I'll have no part in this. It's terrible that you're exploiting the financial situations of college students in a bid to enlist them into service. Also, how many people have you really tricked by the claim that this email is somehow "UNCLASSIFIED"? I mean, really, the people who fall for the "OMG, I'm needed for a secret mission!" ploy are probably not the people I want defending the country. Participation in the armed services of this country is voluntary, so let's keep the tricks and false-flattery out of it, shall we? James Hazelton Once more I'm forced to vent my frustrations at this system. As you all may know, I'm somewhat of a pacifist, (i.e. pinko-commie-longhair) and I've grown increasingly fed-up with the tactics used by the armed forces to recruit young men and women into the service. Being a young man once myself, I know first-hand of these treacherous tactics which include, but are not limited to:

• Unsolicited phone calls - I got rid of these when I finally told the fifth recruiter that I had suffered a terrible injury, and would never walk again.
• Unsolicited emails - [see above] I get probably three of these every semester, you'd think they'd get the point.
• Uniformed men, handing leaflets in malls - the army has certainly taken a page from tobacco companies here, "Hook 'em while they're young"
• Unending TV and web ads - "Look at me! I joined the army and now I'm a rocket scientist/engineer/astronaut/video game tester! Whoo!" -the following statement can be said about maybe one percent of those who enlist.

And finally, because I could not type the bullet hard enough to make my intense hatred for this next trick known, I present to you: "The Army Arcade" I first heard about this during a recent NPR broadcast. It was good that I happened to be near my destination while listening to the interview because my ire could have caused me to ram the nearest car in frustration. This just kills me. From the outside it looks like a normal arcade, in the same way that the soothing light of an angler fish lures in prey, but on the inside, kids (even at 18, these people are just kids, for crying out loud) are confronted with blackhawk and humvee simulators, in which they can blast insurgents within walking distance from the food court. Also present are xbox 360 and PS3 gaming consoles, loaded with army approved and INTENSELY REALISTIC (intensely sarcastic caps, there) depictions of the life of a soldier. It's bait and switch, simple as that. All of their tactics are. In conclusion, I'd like to note, that for the right people and the right reasons, there's nothing wrong with joining the army. I'm sure that it can be a positive experience for those who enjoy it. But these tactics, however, are those of a desperate system, gleefully ready to trick these young men and women into a life which they may be completely unprepared for. Dangling student loans, or adventure, or teenage-gaming-bloodlust in front of these kids is an awful way of doing business, and needs to be stopped immediately. Or maybe the arcade should feature a PTSD simulator, instead.

My Submission to Rama One

...not that kind of submission. I sent in a short story. Well, we can keep the gag. (Which is dirty, and a pun! Oh man, so much connotation density)

Anyway, the real reason I've brought you here today is to tell you that I've submitted a slightly updated version of my short story, A Chance Encounter, to the newly established "Open-Source Sci-fi" blog, Rama One. It's called open source because of the novel way in which the site works (there has been a lot of contention that they're not really using the term "open-source" correctly, but I think it sounds good and conveys the general point, so why not keep it). Here's how it works: basically, every story sent in gets published, which is great, except that half of the stories are going to inevitably be Halo fan-fiction. So, to get around this little nuisance, they've added a very special feature: you get to vote on the stories you like (via a subReddit) and the more valuable stories rise to the top, like the sweet, delicious cream they are. Comments are handled through a similar system. It's pretty sweet.

At the time of this writing, I am, however only the third submission. But, I'd like to bring attention to Rama One, not because I'm especially altruistic, but rather because I'm not altruistic: that's right, Shameless Self-Promotion! So, I'd like you all to mosey on down to the site by clicking here. Read my story (it may still be on the top), forget about all of the rest of the submissions, and then vote on my story by using the link at the right-hand side of the page (you may need a reddit account to do this, I'm not sure).

So there you have it. Everybody wins. I get exposure, you get to read my fabulous writing, the Rama people get some site traffic, and the internet continues to rule my life.

I'll post updates on the story if anything interesting happens. Thanks.

Halloween

For this year's jack-o-lantern, I wanted to make something that would really scare Oklahomans. So I present to you: the Barack-O-Lantern!



When the photo was taken, it's in the "a bit saggy" phase of the pumpkin morphology, but it's still good. And I used a scented candle for the inside, so it now smells of rotting pumpkin and vanilla.

I stayed home all night, in the hopes that, in classic halloween tradition, countless happy costumed children would parade past my door and I could make their night a bit brighter with a fistful of candy. Instead, I sat anxious by the door, with a five-pound bag of candy held tightly in my grasp, and received zero happy costumed visitors. Zero. Circle-slash kids.

I have no clue what might have happened, I did all I could to tell them that this particular apartment was prime time for some trick-or-treat goodness. I mean, I had the barack-o-lantern placed outside, the outside light was on, I even specifically taped up a sign proclaiming "No razor blades in this candy!" But perhaps I was wrong in my assumptions and kids don't visit apartments after all. Or maybe this apartment complex, as I've previously thought, really is just inhabited by sad, single people.

Oh well, happy halloween, I've got a giant bag of candy to eat now.

Late-Night Blurb

He was a menace, a monster. Some called him a destroyer of worlds. Now, with his new-found powers he was able to level cities, kill with a stare, and most terrifyingly, he could be anywhere--and everywhere--he chose. He was absolutely unstoppable now, and standing directly before us. The room lay deathly silent, for a time. CLACK--The sound of a ceramic assault rifle hitting the floor. They say that necessity is the mother of invention, these new ceramic models rolled out with blazing speed when we found that he had learned to manipulate the iron in our weapons. What else could we do? We laid down our arms, laid down our guns, and within seconds, each of our worlds had ceased to be.

Blurb

He stood at the temple's entrance, still with fright. He asked of the ghostly figure, "Who are you?"

It's answer came suddenly, as if from within his own mind, "I am a watcher, I am one of those they call deadmen."

A Noel Fielding Inspired Rant

I'm comin atcha. comin atcha like a laser beam, like a tiger's dream of an ice cream scene. In the dark where the fark meets the mark of the assassin. Moving through the night like a fright flying a kite. With his hands so soft and creamy and yet so tasty crunchy. Oooh wheatabix hands, what are you doing to me?

So I finally get to the pool where the showdown is taking place, just in time to find that the festival is over and the candy is strewn about the floor in a quiet haphazard manner. Just in time to find that the festivities let their sails to the wind and passed on down the road to tuluga. The starfight and the gelly fish were already gone and the crowds had gone with them. Down the road to a place I'll never know and a time in which I'll probly be somewhere else. Praps in a dream. Praps in my mind. Praps getting to the bottom of a juicy juicy lollypop.

So on I go down the road, following my destiny on the long way into the sun when suddenly. And suddenly still. I met a man with Ram's legs.

He showed me the way.

FAQ - How big is the moon?

"The moon is much larger than it appears to be. This is worth remembering because next time you are looking at the moon you can say in a deep and myterious voice, 'The moon is much larger than it appears to be,' and people will know that you are a wise person who has thought about this a lot."

-Douglas Adams

Even though the moon is much larger than it appears to be, it's still much smaller than the earth actually is--in fact, only about a quarter of the size. A quarter is only one fourth of a dollar, which these days usually isn't enough money to buy anything of great value. The value of something is usually determined and set by the people selling the item or service in question. Asking questions is a good way to find things out. By asking questions of smart people you'll normally get things called answers in response. But more often you'll find that people are liars and are not to be trusted. Liar is what you call someone who tells lies. These are people who will knowingly decieve and confuse you in order to achieve their personal goals. Polititians are a good example of this. While not all could be labeled with such a harsh epithet, most can be called, with great certainty, liars. This shouldn't be held against them because it is their job. People take on jobs because they need money. In exchange for their services, their employers will give them money, proportional to the amount or degree of difficulty intrinsic the job. Money is something that can be exchanged then for other goods and services, the american version of which is measured in dollars. A dollar can then be split into four quarters and so on. If you were to compare the relative value of a quarter with a dollar, it would roughly approximate the difference in size between the earth and the moon.

Hopefully this clears things up.

James "The Answer Man" Hazelton PhD

Nerd Jokes

Well, I'm working on a short story for creative writing right now, so all of my inspirado is going into that. But here to pass the time...are some jokes, most of which only I will get.

"So there's a CIA spymaster who decides to teach high school algebra. He's a very stern teacher who tends to dramatize most of the assignments. One day he says to his class, 'Alright students, I'd like for you to do these averages...by any means necessary.' "

What's that? No more math jokes? okay.

"There are two things that put Chickasha on the map: one is the annual Fesitval of Lights, and the other is cartographers."

What? No geography jokes either?

"If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate."

Ah, come on, you don't like chemistry either?

"...so the electron says to the positron, "Wow, due to the particulate interaction of a photon with that magnetic field, we've split up, except due to the fact that energy has to be conserved, we lost a neutrino along the way..." to which the positron replies, "You can say that again!" "

that one is just silly, photons don't react under a magnetic field...except of course if you're counting virtual photons, but as of now they're purely mathmatical abstractions...oh, well I think the punch line was somewhere in there...

anyway, more is coming soon.

Ramblings

...the royal handicap was set to nought divided by zero equals one thing we all have in common room is a nice place to have dinner will be served at the usual time for one more thing from the movie on the top shelf broken from the weight of the books another criminal and the city is made safe containing gold and silver at the back of the vault was nearly eight feet have been in the shoes all day to get some shopping done with my homework and ready to go to bed of beautiful roses and pansies from texas telling me how to live my life on the sea can be quite difficult shot here on the par four maids went about their work after the butler had entered the tunnel and we all make a wish that Kenneth will return from the great war made upon thy neighbors all gathered around the scene of the crime that prices have gone so high until it was made sure that the royal handicap was set to nought divided by zero equals...