First Impressions - Jameson Blended Irish Whiskey

...in tribute to Saint Paddy's Day...

This week, after unintentionally sleeping through most of Saint Patrick's day and missing out on all of the boozy fun I could've been having, I went out and bough myself some Irish Whiskey. I figured that Jameson had that classic, recognizable name and therefore should have, at least, a bit of quality to it.

I wasn't wrong. It's a very interesting, enjoyable drink.

Before I get into more detail, I'll tell you that this 750 ml bottle of 80 proof (40%) alcohol cost me about $26 dollars. Not bad for a mid-range whiskey, but I've looked around and I should've found it for cheaper than that. No matter!

Dollhouse: A Retrospective

...why the show was destined for cancellation from season one...

The History

The real story of Dollhouse begins with Firefly. Way back in 2002, Firefly, a new scifi-western series was picked up by Fox. Created by Joss Whedon, the show had a fantastically talented and well chosen ensemble cast, smart, fast, writing, and a really unique visual style. The show had everything, and its enduring fans stand in testament to that. However, the show performed poorly on the network. Why? Because Fox fucked it over. That's right. I'm going there.

Due to some executive decisions in Fox's secret underground bunker, episodes were played out of their written order, presumably because they felt that the introductory episode didn't pack enough of a punch to score big with the young male demographic. This meant that we were not slowly and carefully introduced to the characters as we had been in the first real episode, but rather thrown straight into the action with episode 2 - The Train Job. The end result? The series didn't even get to air its entire first season. Three of the original episodes were never aired on Fox. It was criminal.

Joss Whedon was warned to never work with Fox again. Look at what they had done to his flagship show, arguably more popular than Buffy, despite the fact that Firefly only had a single, botched season on network TV. But the past would be past, he would surely learn his lesson and work with a network that would respect him, treat him right.

What's that? A new Whedon show? Sweet! On Fox?! Goddammit.

The Premise

[Note: I've kept the article 99% spoiler free, but one or two might have slipped through. Use discretion.]

The show is called Dollhouse. Simple Enough. It's a near-future, The Matrix meets The Pretender kind of character-driven drama. In a secret facility, the dollhouse, agents routinely have their minds imprinted with another person's psyche. The actives, as they're called, can literally become someone else. In mind, at least, their bodies stay the same. The dollhouse then rents these copies out to the rich in need of specialists, assassins, or sexy sex times (they do this last one a lot).

The show does have an overarching narrative, though its episodic nature too often gets in the way of that story. Starring Eliza Dushku, who also worked on Whedon's Buffy and Angel, and a very talented supporting cast, the show ran for two seasons before cancellation (though I would argue that it went for exactly two seasons too long).

But enough about this stuffy nonsense, let's talk about why the show was terrible!


Why the show was terrible!

Dollhouse is yet another example of a series with unlimited and unexplored potential. You've got a premise that perfectly allows your cast (hopefully made up of wide ranging character actors) to play a new and different character each week. These imprinted personae would be varied, outlandish, insightful looks at the multiple facets of each active's personality. The plot would take them to exciting places, get them into danger, allow for romances to be made and broken. It's the perfect premise for an episodic show, though it has been done before **cough, The Pretender, cough**. However, it also had one of the best new television writers behind it, potentially allowing the show to transcend its episodic nature and become something enduring and profound.

However, Dollhouse fails on every, single, level.

In the first few episodes of the series, we're introduced to the concept of the dollhouse, the characters (in particular, Echo, Dushku's character, an active), and the nature of the dollhouse's business. We're also shown a tantalizing hint at new possibilities: What kind of implications would the dollhouse have, if it were real? What happens when something goes wrong? Are these people slaves, or volunteers? But we aren't given answers. Week after week we follow Echo as she does one task after the next, becoming a new imprint at the beginning of the episode, doing a thing, and returning home to be wiped, ready for next week. This is the reason why, in my first time watching the show, I quit after only three episodes. It wasn't worth it for me. It didn't help that the show also aired on the heels of Battlestar Galactica which, though it wasn't perfect, was able to strike a good compromise between episodic troubles and the series-wide human/cylon conflict. Too many times watching Dollhouse I would cry out in anguish, "I don't care that Echo is going to date some rich guy! What about the stuff happening over there?!"

Now, don't get me wrong. Episodic shows can work. Though they are falling out of favor with modern audiences, there are many examples of classic series that do "one episode, one plot" very well. Look at the classic and next generation Star Trek series, or Quantum Leap, or Stargate, or THE PRETENDER. These are all comparable scifi shows that do this formula really well.

As the series progressed through its two short, but yet too-long, seasons, it did begin to focus more on the big picture. Undoubtedly, part of this evolution was Joss Whedon's realization that, with the ratings as poor as they were, he wasn't going to be able to realize his five-year plan for Dollhouse's plot to roll out slowly. Throughout the second season, we're given so many revelations and shocks and double-crosses and sleeper agents that, by the end, it becomes comical. Important characters are killed with no lead up or fanfare, usually to create jump scares or forced emotional moments. Character motivations change wildly, from Agent "I hate the Dollhouse. Oh, now I love the Dollhouse" Ballard to Adelle "am I good, evil, or just drunk" DeWitt. Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense. 


Are you ready for the #1 worst part of the show? The single element that killed any and all potential this show might have had? Even though I haven't been doing a countdown, I present, Dollhouse's worst problem:

#1. Eliza Dushku

Yes, this is the only emotion she can convey.

She kills this show. Her vacant, doe-eyed expression that never changes, despite playing literally dozens of characters over the course of the series. Her flat, emotionless dialogue delivery, in which she never--NEVER--even attempts a different accent than her own. To be fair, she's got exactly two emotional levels: innocent, and yelling. Anything in between? Nope. And this really is what kills me most about the show. The lead character in a series like this needs to be someone charismatic, someone who can take on wildly different speech patterns and mannerisms each week, while still remaining sympathetic and likable. Everyone else in the show can do it but her. She's a black hole of acting talent, sucking all life and energy out of a scene.


The show is at its best when its lead protagonist isn't present. That, in a sentence, is everything that's wrong with Dollhouse.

I'm not even being hyperbolic. In fact, if you want a counter-example, watch an episode that features Victor and Sierra (two fellow actives) and you'll instantly notice the difference. These two actors, Enver Gjokaj and Dichen Lachman, are absolutely brilliant. These two powerful and versatile character actors can light up any scene like an anti-Dushku beacon of hope and talent. Seeing Victor seamlessly portray Topher (the dollhouse's computer expert) is so far above anything that Echo could portray that it's not even funny.

Enver Gjokaj and Dichen Lachman

In Conclusion

Dollhouse is just an awful waste. So much potential, wasted. So much acting talent, shoved to the periphery. It's sad, really. I'd like to blame the problems on Fox, but I just can't. The show failed miserably, and, if anything, Fox was lenient in giving the show a second season, despite ratings for the first season being lower than those of Firefly, the second season rating lower still.

I wish, more than anything, that the show could have been rebooted in its second season into The Victor and Sierra Show. Seeing those two actors, along with many other notable supporting actors, get canned because the rest of the series tanked around them; it just wasn't fair.

Fool me once, shame on Fox. Fool me twice, and the blame's on you, Whedon.  

Red Sonja - Another Lesson in Unnecessary Movies (2 of 2)

...Gedren! Where are you?!...

[If you haven't already, make sure to read part one.]

When we last left off, things were getting a bit creepy between warrior-woman Red Sonja and the young Prince Tarn. Thank god that the scene ends quickly. There's a strange love triangle that forms between Sonya, Tarn, and Conan throughout the movie. Even though Conan is obviously going to win (come on, these two were literally written for each other), Prince Tarn has that adorable kind of love for Sonja that reminds me of a third-grader's affection for his/her homeroom teacher. It's fun to see the interrelationships form and change--wait, what am I saying?--I think that I'm reading into this film far too deeply.

I've got to admit, my notes here are starting to get a bit sparse. It's not like the movie suddenly gets worse, it's just that I, as a viewer, am not being properly stimulated. There's an enormous blank area in the middle of the film, where there's not enough rising action or tension to keep my interest building. Instead, the excitement plateaus until we reach the final confrontation. By this point I've seen what the movie has to offer (hint: not much), and now I'm watching the movie just to finish it.

Now, don't take that to mean that the movie isn't worth watching (debatable), or that the rest of the review isn't worth reading (because it's great). Come on, let's keep going.

The Plot (Continued)

Anyway. After the "fencing" practice, Sonja, Tarn, and Falkon are forced into a scary cave by a magically conjured storm. Instead of doing the smart thing and waiting for the storm to pass, Tarn goes looking for treasure. Yup. Treasure. So, in trying to pry a giant pearl from a statue's mouth, they spring a trap (surprise!) which causes the room to fill with water and releases a giant, aquatic, mechanical dragon. THEY FIGHT.

Hey! Conan shows up! Now he’s fighting the dragon-thing. THEY FIGHT. It turns out that the only way to take down a mechanical serpent is to pry its eyes out. Does it make sense? Doesn't have to! Onward.

Now our team is back together, and they celebrate by taking a quick breather in a forest. Sonja explains to Conan that no man can have her, save for he who can best her in combat. So, making the sensible move, given the situation, Conan grabs his sword and challenges Sonja. THEY FIGHT.

But really, it’s so much more than that. THEY FIGHT for an incredibly long time, seeming evenly matched. THEY FIGHT until they’re both exhausted, breathless, satisfied. This is the movie’s love scene, and it’s actually an interesting artistic choice.

Yes. I did just use the word “artistic” with regards to Red Sonja. Don’t worry, it passes quickly.

But now, it's the moment we’ve been waiting for, the final confrontation with the evil Queen Gedren. Her castle is predictably evil; presumably built by Skeletor’s architect. As the four noisily and pointlessly sneak up to the front entrance, they decide to split up. They must move quickly. The area around the castle is becoming unstable; the talisman has grown too powerful and is shaking the world apart. THEY’ve got to hurry and complete their individual FIGHT sequences before the movie ends.

Is the “THEY FIGHT” joke getting old? I hope not, I’m going to use it a few more times.

Conan and Falkor get into a scuffle with some of the castle’s henchmen, spilling a perfectly good stew in the process, Tarn keeps watch at the front door and kills Gedren’s escaping Number Two (actually a big door does the job, but the end result is the same), and Sonja finally comes face to face with Gedren.
 

Their fight takes them from Gedren’s throne room to the room in which the talisman is kept. It’s pretty basic, like most of the fights in the movie, but Gedren’s alchemist makes the first bit of the fight interesting by teleporting Gedren across the room several times.

It might be worth mentioning here that even though the actress playing Gedren is a Conan veteran (she played Valeria in Conan the Barbarian), neither she nor Brigitte are very good with their swords. Gedren does little more than block the blows of Sonja, who is swinging her sword like she’s trying to chop down a tree.

The castle, by this point, is falling down around them. In the chamber with the talisman, enormous, lava-filled chasms are opening in the floor. Sonja chops some more wood, eventually knocking Gedren into the lava chasm. She throws the talisman in too, for good measure.

The four of our heroes then make their way out of the collapsing castle, escaping (of course) just in time. With the talisman destroyed, Sonja’s sister avenged, and the evil queen killed, the world seems safe--safe enough for our leather-clad protagonists to enjoy some sunshine, a couple of good-natured quips, and a final laugh before we go out on a freeze-frame.

It’s over. Wasn’t that fun? Before I dwell too much on the ending, allow me to present:

The Verdict

I try not to expect cinematic masterpieces from sword and sorcery flicks, and this is certainly no exception. Whereas you can normally count on some cheesy acting, epic set pieces, and plenty of sword fights, this film, though never lacking in sword fights, had cheap and disappointing set pieces, and the acting—oh, the acting—I think that a text-to-speech translator could have delivered the lines better than Arnold and Brigitte. In fact, they act so badly, it’s like they’re in a “see who can act worst” competition (they’re tied for 1^st).

As a guy who really enjoyed the Conan films (what guy doesn’t love them?) I was really disappointed with this spin-off. I’m only going to give this one a 2/5 rating and believe me, I’m being generous with the score because of the “so bad it’s good” moments that do occasionally pop up.

The film might be fun if there were some sort of drinking game involved with it—finish a drink whenever Conan unexpectedly saves the day, for example. But otherwise you can skip this one.
Watch the Conan films again, they’re much more fun.

See you next time.

Red Sonja - Another Lesson in Unnecessary Movies (Part 1 of 2)

...even Conan couldn't help this movie...

There was a time--long in the past, the Hyborian age, perhaps—in which I would have enjoyed this film. In this time I was closer to 14 years old, of less discerning film tastes, and at a maturity level that assured that any movie with boobs and swords was going to be my favorite of all time.

Good news, fellow adolescent film viewers, this film contains both swords and boobs. The swords? They hack and slash throughout. The boobs? When they’re not being concealed by Brigitte Nielson’s leather bodice, exist only in a mystifyingly unnecessary scene that I’ll talk about later. Of course, these are nice additions, but they don’t show up in quantities sufficient enough to drown out the robotic acting, bad effects, and poorly-explained plot. This is the film’s downfall.

But let’s look closer.


The Premise

Red Sonja, the fire-haired, amazonian statured, warrior-woman has a rough past. Her family? Killed. Her home? Burned. Her innocence? Taken by force.

Why has this happened? Why was this young woman's life so brutally destroyed? Because she wouldn't be Queen Gedren's prom date.(It's actually a much darker reason than that. But why ruin our light-hearted mood with things like rape?)

That's right. Opposite Sonja we have Queen Gedren, evil lesbian dominatrix from the kingdom of darkness. She's recently stolen an all-powerful talisman and is up to no good.

The rest follows predictably, Sonja's got to hack her way through the countryside, get to Gedren, and restore peace to the world. Easy.

The Plot

This film is, as most Sword and Sorcery flicks are, very light in plot. The typical narrative consists of an inciting incident, usually something that requires revenge, a long bit in the middle where the warrior, or team of warriors, travel to their destination, crossing through several contrived set pieces along the way, and the final confrontation, usually at a massive, evil castle, a dark mountain, or some sort of hell portal.

The inciting incident of the movie has been explained above. Sonja rejects Gedren's advances, and subsequently watches her world burn. Of course, we don't see any of this happen. In the opening scenes of the film, Sonja is told, BY A GHOST, what has just happened to her. It's an odd storytelling choice, one might even say a poor storytelling choice. Rather than let us feel the loss and sorrow associated with the death of one's family, we're treated to a fuzzy, emotionless montage of murder and arson, all courtesy of a droning, female Ghost-Obi-Wan stand in.

Before I go much further, I'll need to say some quick words about the fighting in the film. (1.) There's a lot of it. (2.) It all involves people getting slashed or stabbed with broadswords. (3.) Minions fall by the dozens in these battles, but our main characters ALWAYS emerge unscathed. (4.) They're all basically the same.

Therefore, whenever one of these scenes occurs, I'll save both of us time by simply writing, "THEY FIGHT."

So, using this new shorthand, the plot goes something like this:

Gedren steals the all-powerful talisman from a group of female monks - THEY FIGHT.

Oh hey! Sorry to interrupt, but Conan shows up! This movie does exist in the same continuity as the previous Conan films, so it's not too odd that he'd appear. He serves the purpose of "sending off" the spin off. He's the one that's prominently on the DVD cover, although he only serves a supporting role in the film. Really, he's only here to transition this movie into a new continuity of the Conan series, to aid a smooth transition between the Arnold era and the planned era of Brigitte. Oh, and he looks badass and he swings a big sword. What more could you ask of him?

Back to the plot! Conan (calling himself Kalidor, presumably for copyright reasons) meets up with Sonja and informs her that her sister (one of the female monks from earlier) is dead. Sonja grabs a magical singing sword (don't worry, it's never referenced again) and begins her journey to the dark land.

After meeting with her dying sister and vowing revenge, she comes upon a recently conquered land (Gedren's power is increasing, thanks to the talisman), and its ruler, a boy-king named Tarn. His royal attendant, Falkon, is here as well. In short, nothing much happens in this scene, we're just introducing these two comic relief characters who will undoubtedly show up later.

Oh no, we've entered the land of King Brytag and he demands a toll: THEY FIGHT.

Some bandits are threatening Tarn and Falkon: THEY FIGHT.

Back to Gedren in her evil palace. She's got a female love-slave, a giant spider-pet, and her very own alchemist. Wishing to know what the good guys are up to, she shouts for her alchemist to show her on a magic mirror. The giant, smoky mirror poofs into activity when--wait, is that a naked lady in the mirror? Why is she dancing? What's going on?--oh, there they are. Sonja, Tarn, and the gang are headed to--

You want to know about the naked dancing lady? It's not explained. Never. I guess the magic mirror has one of those porny screen savers. The alchemist probably just forgot to delete it when Gedren came back.Maybe the dancing naked lady was there for her. Who knows, it was probably just an excuse to get some boobs into the movie. Gotta keep the key demographic happy!

You'll notice that the movie has been going on for a while now, and without any kind of romance subplot. Wait no further! We are treated to a steamy scene in a cozy cave between--Sonja and Tarn? He's, like 12 years old! Regardless, I think there's more going on in this scene that just a simple fencing lesson.

Sonja: You were disarmed because you hold the hilt too tight. Grip gently, see?

Tarn: Gently, I see, like this? [moves her hands to his...hilt]

Sonja: Your Highness learns fast. 

The (abrupt) End of Part One

I'd love to sit and talk about this movie for another couple hundreds of words, but it's getting a bit late. So I'll leave the review there, end it on a sexy note. Come back next time when we'll see the thrilling conclusion to Red Sonja.

Will she avenge the deaths of her family members? Will the talisman be destroyed? Will Arnold show up again? Will we be as bored as we were for part one?

These questions and more will be answered in PART TWO.

Rapid Fire Reviews (#23-27)

...in which snow keeps me inside all day...

As most of you in the US know, we're currently in a time of crisis. This, is SNOWMAGEDDON.

Well, it's not nearly that bad, but I've been snowed in for the last few days (if only due to our city's lack of snow-clearing knowledge). In the meantime, here are some movies that I've been watching to pass the time.

#23. Flashpoint

            Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

            Released: 2007

            MPAA Rating: R

            Running Time: 88 min

            My Rating: 2/5

            Comments: There was something about this martial arts crime thriller that failed to grab me. The plot was, especially for the second act, tiresome, slow, and formulaic. Aside from two excellent fight sequences (during the opening and climax of the movie) featuring Donnie Yen, the movie was very forgettable.

#24. Blade II

            Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

            Released: 2002

            MPAA Rating: R

            Running Time: 117 min

            My Rating: 3/5

            Comments: This movie, aside from excellent direction from Guillermo Del Toro and his imaginative visual style, fell prey to an overcomplicated plot and an overabundance of contrived moments. The story follows the basic, and slightly tired, formula of, “hero must align with former villains to conquer a greater threat,” that so many sequels get bogged down with. The first act of the film shines with originality while re-introducing the old characters and unveiling their common threat, but quickly turns into a flashy action movie with little new to bring to the table.   

#25. Star Trek IV – The Voyage Home

            Source: Netflix Instant - Random

            Released: 1986

            MPAA Rating: PG

            Running Time: 118

            My Rating: 3/5

            Comments: This movie, in which the crew of the Enterprise, onboard a stolen Klingon bird of prey, travel back in time to the 1980s, so that they can abduct two blue whales, in order to communicate with a renegade space-cylinder and save the Earth. This film is just as silly as the plot would suggest. It’s much less hard science fiction, than it is wacky romp through a fish (or, dare I say, whale?) out of water story. Plot holes abound, but if you don’t care about that, or if you only came for the “nookular wessels,” you might enjoy it. Otherwise, go watch Wrath of Khan again.

#26. Inception

            Source: DVD - Owned

            Released: 2010

            MPAA Rating: PG-13

            Running Time: 148 min

            My Rating: 5/5

            Comments: Without a doubt, my favorite movie from 2010. Christopher Nolan’s exciting delve into the world of dreams is one of the best new concepts introduced into film since The Matrix. The film is imaginative, complex, and incredibly stylish. Leo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt lead the cast with spot-on performances and prove that they are two of the best modern leading men.

#27. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

            Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

            Released: 1989

            MPAA Rating: PG

            Running Time: 107 min

            My Rating: 2.5/5

            Comments: While this is definitely the worst in the Original Series run of Star Trek films, it’s not an irredeemable movie. It’s just, misguided. Most of the ideas are interesting and film-worthy, but there’s an underlying lack of basic film-sense (partially, in my opinion, because of Shatner directing). It’s not a good movie, but it’s still one that you should watch if you’re making your way through the movie series.