The Story of Lady Digby Cordon Bleu

...my adorable kitty that wants to murder me.

This is why she sleeps so soundly.

To tell this story properly, I'll have to start from the beginning.

Almost a year ago, while we (my girlfriend and I) were living in a different apartment, we were occasionally visited by a strange, skittish, blotchy brown and white cat. Obviously starved for attention, she would mew at our window until we came out to give her a petting. And as it often does, petting lead to feeding, feeding lead to constructing a tiny kitty bed out of cardboard and t-shirts (that she never used, by the way), and that lead to us eventually bringing her inside. It was getting further and further into winter, and the temperatures were dropping quickly. We couldn't stand letting such a sweet kitty exist, homeless, on the dangerous streets.

Did I mention that she was a sweet, loving kitty? Good, that'll become important later.

It's important now. She was loving for about a day and a half. It was a ruse. We were duped into adopting this cat, who turns out to be hateful, misanthropic, and, at the best of times, indifferent to our affections.

She's laying on my books right now, watching me type this. If I go missing after writing this post, you know where to look for the killer.

I'm watching...everything.

We quickly noticed some of her stranger habits. She'll stretch her claws out on our favorite chair, digging them deeper and deeper into the fabric, tearing into it with glee and abandon. While she does this terrifying show of violence, she stares at you. It's a way of saying, "someday, when I catch you without the squirt bottle, this will be your leg."

Sharpening her claws is another favorite past time. This act is something that startled me to the core, at least the first time she did it, but apparently it's a common thing. She sharpens her claws with her own teeth. You could even ask, which instrument of death is being sharpened? It could very well be that she's honing her teeth, as well. All the better to bite you with, she'll meow.

I haven't even touched on how she petulantly knocks over her food and water bowls, or how she carefully times her trips to the litter box to exactly coincide with the beginning of our meals.

A cat post and a Dune reference? I'm on a roll!

She just yawned. It may seem innocent, but I'm convinced that it's just a subtle way for her to bare her teeth at me. Oh god. She's coming this way...

Digby's got a plan. I don't know what it is, yet, but I'm going to find out. She won't win. I can't let her win. Oh god, she's gotten into my head!

The Moral of the Story

And how can this be? For she is the Kitty Haderach! 




[Dune image by Flickr user "Hot Sake"]