The Existential Beatnik

R.O.V.M - Barbecue Seitan with Potatoes and Experimental Salad

2011-03-23T06:44:00.001-06:00

...in which I get a new knife and really need to show it off...

In today's installment of Regular Ordinary Vegan Mealtime, I'll be taking you though the events of my day, through the course of a meal (with dessert, of course), and round and round the inside of my thought processes. For dinner tonight, we'll be serving delicious (though slightly chewy) barbecue seitan cutlets, rosemary roasted potatoes, and a salad of a strange mixture of broccoli and tomatoes served with a raspberry chipotle sauce (it sounded like a good idea at the time). Also, I bought myself a new chef's knife, and need to cut something with it. (Spoilers: I cut myself)

Today, the GF and I spent some time shopping in our local, semi-upscale, bargain store, looking for kitchen accessories. She found a neat French press mug (in which I made some truly awful coffee, my fault) while I spied a 6.3" chef's knife which was 66% off the original price of $120. There was only one problem: I didn't recognize the brand. I know it seems a bit petty to stick to brand loyalty over quality, but since I knew nothing of the quality (wrapped up pretty well in some sturdy plastic) I had to stick with my available sources of data. A quick check on the iphone revealed nothing, we went all the way home to look up reviews on our laptops--nothing. It seems I had no available data.

I bought it anyway. Forty bucks for potentially a $120 dollar knife? Easy peasy. But then, this happened.

I think the knife was on sale because it's possessed by an angry culinary demon.

That's right, the first thing cut by my brand new knife was myself. How embarrassing I must have been to all amateur, ordinary vegan chefs at that moment. There was a bit of blood, but it was a clean cut, a good sign in favor of the knife's quality. Slathering the cut with disinfectant and slapping on a bandaid, I soldiered on.

Dinner

Tonight's dinner looks fairly nice, but really, it's one of the simpler meals we've made lately. The hardest part was handled by the GF, who took on the all but alchemical task of preparing seitan (she used this recipe from vegweb). We've made this spongy, glutinous meat substitute a few times in the past, but all of the previous attempts ended in utter disaster. This time went slightly better. We baked the seitan dough in the oven for a bit, rubbed it down with garlic, earth balance (margarine), salt, and pepper. Served with barbecue or steak sauce, it's a really nice meaty substitute with tons of protein.

Even easier were the potatoes. They took longer, in terms of time, but most of that can be spent on the couch while they cook. We bought a bag of tiny, multicolored, new potatoes and blanched them for 20-30 minutes to soften them up. After this, we cut them in half, threw them in a roasting dish with diced onion, olive oil, salt, and pepper, sprinkled some rosemary on top, and put them in the oven to roast up. Just before they were done, we pulled 'em out, put some butter over top (gives them a nice sheen), threw in some minced garlic and returned them to the oven for another 10 or 15 minutes.

Now, on to the "salad," which might be the most interesting part of the meal. The GF, being the culinary innovator that she is, pulled out some raw broccoli, some tiny tomatoes, cut them up into tiny bits, tossed them around in a bowl with olive oil and a bit of balsamic vinegar, and boom, it was done.

Keep in mind that we had lettuce, but we completely ignored it. COOKING OUTSIDE THE BOX.

I topped my salad with some nearby raspberry chipotle sauce. I can't remember where we found it, but it's sweet, spicy, and tangy in all the right ways, and went really well with our new vegetable salad.

Dessert

We ate this much before it occurred to me to take a photo.

After dinner and a bit of Netflix, the GF decided to make one of her (our) favorite dessert creations: a mixed-berry/fruit grunt (it's a bit like a cobbler). To start, boil up some fresh or frozen (we used frozen) fruit or berries with a bit of water and sugar until it gets syrupy, and pour this in the bottom of a baking dish. Next you're going to make the grunty bit, or the cobblestones of the cobbler, if you prefer. Now, she always does this part, so I'm not the expert, but from what I've gathered it's basically slightly sweetened biscuit dough. Form this in to balls and place them on top of the fruit/berry mixture in your pan. You're not really trying to cover the top, leave plenty of space so the dough can expand and soak up a lot of the fruity goodness. Sprinkle some sugar on top and throw it in the oven to bake; you'll know it's done when the cobbles are crispy on top.

After dinner, I spent a bit of time cutting, dicing, and chopping everything in sight with my new knife (no casualties this time), and watched a few Jamie Oliver clips on YouTube. What an exciting life!

So, join me next time when we make something regular, ordinary, and vegan!

We Are All Connected

2011-03-22T07:06:00.001-06:00

...from a single clove of garlic to the big bang...

This whole rant starts with a single action. A clove of garlic left in my fridge for too long began to sprout roots. I thought it only fitting, since I had a pot of soil outside from a failed run at growing tomatoes, that I plant the clove to see what would happen. If my theories proved correct, I would soon beat out the consumerist engine that was supermarket garlic and would soon have the means of producing an infinite supply of my own garlic.

I was looking at my INFINITE GARLIC producing plant this morning and I realized something fascinating. While under the soil, the garlic clove that I planted contained nearly everything it needed to produce a sprout. This sprout, plus a bit of water, I imagine, is itself, made of garlic.

Better still, once its green bits peek above the soil, it will combine carbon from CO2 in the air, hydrogen from water, and energy from the sun's UV rays to produce hydrocarbons which will make up the bulk of the plant. The plant will then make more garlic, which I will eat. Upon metabolizing the garlic and breaking those hydrocarbons into simpler molecules, I will be harnessing the stored energy of the sun to power my body. In addition, those simple molecules will become bits of ME.

Even better still, we can trace the elements in the air, the water, the garlic, and myself back all the way to exploding stars, from which we can trace to coalescing hydrogen clouds in deep space, from there to elementary particles, and from there we can go all the way back to the big bang.

This is a simple example of how science is the very best tool we have for understanding our place in the greater universe. The further back and deeper into anything we go, the more it starts to sound like spiritualist, hippie nonsense, but ...it's really not. Saying things like, "we are all star stuff" is well and good, but the clear connections are all there for us to find. While the spiritual viewpoint claims we are all connected, it skips all of the hard bits like evidence and proof, and that is why science will always win.

Now, if we could only figure out how magnets work...

First Impressions - Jameson Blended Irish Whiskey

2011-03-21T02:50:00.001-06:00

...in tribute to Saint Paddy's Day...

This week, after unintentionally sleeping through most of Saint Patrick's day and missing out on all of the boozy fun I could've been having, I went out and bough myself some Irish Whiskey. I figured that Jameson had that classic, recognizable name and therefore should have, at least, a bit of quality to it.

I wasn't wrong. It's a very interesting, enjoyable drink.

Before I get into more detail, I'll tell you that this 750 ml bottle of 80 proof (40%) alcohol cost me about $26 dollars. Not bad for a mid-range whiskey, but I've looked around and I should've found it for cheaper than that. No matter!

The Notes

Tasting (official): "Vanilla, lemondade, oak, Sprite, gentle clove spice, too.

Nice oily texture, waxy. Some heat. More spice than the nose indicated, balanced against a strong bready sweetness, barley sugar, and maple. Honey. Vanilla." -From Dr. Whiskey

Tasting (mine): I definitely get the vanilla, oak, and (something I wasn't smelling for) Sprite in the nose. It's a sweet, but broad and oaky nose that gets a bit spicy if you smell too long. The tasting is unfortunately a bit underwhelming at first, it doesn't give the nice, enveloping warmth that other whiskeys do. However, the taste develops greatly at the back of the mouth and down the throat, where it really opens up and shows it's oaky, bitter side. The overall experience is very smooth, buttery, and sweet. Very enjoyable, but the underwhelming start in the front of the mouth leaves a bit to be desired.

Rapid Fire Reviews (#38-42) - Gone too long

2011-03-21T02:16:00.002-06:00

...in which I make my triumphant return with a lazy review post...

Well, I guess I should have told you that I was going on break. For those of you who have been missing my musings and nuggets of wisdom (nobody), I'm back with another installment of Rapid Fire Reviews. This week I take on four films to which I gave largely favorable marks, and a fifth which was an anime-styled street fighter remake. I'm looking forward to leaping from my Spring Break slovenliness with a flurry of new writing.

So, let's head down this path we call life and begin the reviews.

#38. Cropsey

Source: Netflix Instant - Queue

Released: 2009

MPAA Rating: NR

Running Time: 84 min

My Rating: 4.5/5

Comments: This is a very atmospheric and gripping documentary about a rash of child abductions which took place on Long Island, New York. The subject is approached with fairness while the film is also able to weave elements from public superstition and folklore. It’s very entertaining, if a bit dark and grotesque in its portrayal of the crimes (which were, admittedly, dark and grotesque). Watch it in the dark, if you can.

#39. Full Metal Jacket

Source: Netflix Instant - Queue

Released: 1987

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 116 min

My Rating: 5/5

Comments: This is another one of the classic Kubrick films which was probably my first favorite film. The stark treatment of the army boot camp in the film's first half, followed by the chaos of Vietnam in the second presents a dichotomy which feels very true to life. This film is one of the reasons why I could never join the army, and watching it as a teenager chilled me to my core. But that’s not to say that it isn’t an excellent war film, or a compelling ensemble character piece, or a bleak and realistic look into the life of Vietnam-era infantrymen. Kubrick’s fingerprints are all over this piece, with well-written characters, fantastic cinematography, and a really unique feel. That, and the climactic battle is fantastically well done and incredibly gripping. Watch this one whenever you’re feeling overly patriotic.

#40. Kings of Pastry

Source: Netflix Instant - Queue

Released: 2009

MPAA Rating: NR

Running Time: 87 min

My Rating: 4.5/5

Comments: Another documentary for the list. This one chronicles the training of several contestants who are entering a prestigious French pastry competition. We get looks into the contestants' characters in their months (or years) of preparation before entering the contest. There’s something about watching a talented chef make a delicate and fragile tower of chocolate and sugar that puts me on the edge of my seat. The entire documentary is gripping, and you’ll find yourself rooting for your favorite competitors as they hone their delicious crafts. Watch this one on a full stomach.

#41. Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 1994

MPAA Rating: UR

Running Time: 98 min

My Rating: 2/5

Comments: Oh boy, where do I start? This movie has fighting, lots of it. There’s a flimsy attempt at a plot, which boils down to two sides of an international conflict competing to find the best hand-to-hand fighter to…conquer the world? I will say, if you ignore the bare bones plot and clunky dialogue, the animation is smooth and the fight scenes are fairly good (and you get to see Chun Li’s boobs at one point). Don’t watch this, unless you want to see the cinematic equivalent of banging action figures together.

#42. Magnum Force

Source: DVD - Owned

Released: 1973

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 124 min

My Rating: 4/5

Comments: This is the second in the Dirty Harry films, starring Clint Eastwood, and also my second favorite (it’s hard to top the original). It continues with the theme of the series, asking, “how far should one go in the name of justice?” While the film doesn’t flow as smoothly as the first (many extraneous plot changes were made by Eastwood himself), it an exciting police drama that isn’t afraid to get thematically philosophical. I say “philosophical,” but you have to dig pretty deep to get there. Anyway, it’s a fine example of seventies cinema, and well worth your time. Watch it immediately after Dirty Harry.

Sidenote: I can't express how much I hate blogger today. Normally these reviews are the easiest to make. Immediately after watching a movie I get the info from IMDB, I write my short review, tuck it away into a word file and I'm golden. But today it seems to think that everything I write NEEDS TO BE PERMANENTLY INDENTED. Just like what you see on the left. I didn't put that in, I don't know how it got there. I'm stuck with this, and I'm not happy.

Minecrafty: The Great Fire (New Segment!)

2011-03-10T06:23:00.000-06:00

...in which I begin with a tale of tragedy...

Welcome, dear readers, to a new segment I'll be calling "Minecrafty." In it, I'll be telling tales from my corner of the Minecraft world. While I'm not the best or most creative player out there, I can still take part in the game's fantastic and organically created events. Along the way, I'll share any interesting structures that I've made or stories that I took part in. I don't think I'll ever be good enough to create anything rivaling the scale model of the Enterprise D, or the Earth, but I hope you enjoy.

Episode One: The Great Fire

This happened on the first few (in-game) days of my latest playthrough. I had punched some trees, made some tools, and had barely entered into my iron age. In the valley that spread all the way from my simple home to the sea, there were several trees which, after being cut down, still retained their leaves. While in real situations, leaves generally fall to the ground when the tree is removed, this is a common occurrence in minecraft. Gravity affects some things differently than others, and in this case, leaves float in a very unnatural way when their tree is detached. It's generally a waste of time to dispose of each leaf block individually, so most of the time, the leaves will continue to hover above the ground like green, Vogon spaceships. They mocked me with their hovering unreality, a constant reminder that I existed in an imperfect simulation.

They must be destroyed, I thought. But, I had a plan.

Having recently made a firestarter, I walked up to the floating, leafy abominations and lit them ablaze. The fire would quickly take care of the leaves, erasing them from existence. No more unsightly floating leaves in my front lawn. No sir.

The fire quickly spread, taking the leaves with it. However, it spread too quickly, and the trees in the valley were too close together for what I thought was a controlled burn. Almost immediately, another tree caught fire, followed by another, and another. I ran around frantically trying to stem the blaze by cutting down vulnerable trees, doing my best to stop the fire from spreading. But I was too late; I had flicked the first domino and the rest were bound to fall.

Before taking this screenshot, I planted the sapling to add a bit of poignancy to the image.

There was nothing that I could do. I would have fallen to my knees and shouted to the heavens (if that were programmed into the game) but instead, I stood and watched in agony as an entire forest burned down around me.

It was my fault, and for what? A few unsightly leaves, which probably would have eventually died and disappeared. Had the hubris of man destroyed another ecosystem? The screenshot to the left is only a small taste of the extent of the fire. At the peak of the blaze, there was nowhere to turn without seeing the destruction. The fire continued to burn into the night, lighting up the landscape in a bizarre, flickering, twilight. When it had finally burned itself out, all that was left of the forest were hundreds of charred and smoking stumps, looking far more unnatural than any clump of leaves.

The next morning I took a walk to survey the damage. It was heartbreaking. The forest floor was littered with items dropped by the roaming wildlife. Feathers, scraps of leather, and pork, fully cooked by the blaze, were scattered in all directions. Useful items, but also reminders that the animals had burned to death in a fire of my own making. The extent of the damage was enormous; it would take weeks for trees to grow again.

I learned a lesson from the fire, one that I won't soon forget. I destroyed my firestarter (throwing it into a pool of lava) I began to plant trees to replace those that I'd destroyed (the new forest is coming along nicely), and I've decided to pay tribute to the fallen animals by becoming vegetarian in-game (growing wheat to make bread, instead of eating the pigs for health).

And that's why...you don't play with fire.

The Institution of Marriage

2011-03-09T17:28:00.000-06:00

...in which I repost a valid opinion...

[posted by Reddit user isakk21]

From the Sketchbook - Captain Cabinets

2011-03-08T15:08:00.001-06:00

...Captain Cabinets, trapped in cabinets..

.
Based on a Mighty Boosh crimp. Inspired by this conversation.

Bonus: a terrible cartoon of Digby!

Short Fiction: He Stood in the Shadows

2011-03-05T05:13:00.003-06:00

...in which I write extemporaneously...

He stood in the shadows, behind the wall, listening to the faint conversation. They would soon finish, murmur words of satisfaction, and leave. New ones would take their place, and he'd hear the cycle start anew. He found it interesting, the way the Master conducted the room. For long stretches, hours sometimes, he would hear only silence. But sometimes--as though silently beckoned--the adjacent space would swell with activity, bringing an exciting new array of sounds. Listening to the voices individually was a skill he'd quickly learned, though the speakers' words remained foreign to him. He always became excited for these loud times. The loud times brought the smells. Pressing his nose against the drywall, pressing so hard that his face would become sore, he gathered what he could of the sensations that were, he imagined, so clear on the other side. The smells made his mouth water, his heartbeat race; they made his breaths deep and intentional. He savored these moments; there were all he had to look forward to besides sleeping, which he also enjoyed.

My Boy knows nothing outside of the shadows, the noises, the smells. Eating the morsels which appear during his sleep, relieving himself down a small grate, the excitement of the lunch and dinner rushes, this is his life. Existing in a space barely large enough to stand, let alone to lay down, sit, or move, has changed his body. He stands now, at all times, though not through the strength of muscle and bone. The confining walls have become a mold into which he has been poured; his legs, useless for anything but small movements back and forth. If he knew the truth of his situation, that his entire life will be spent in a crawlspace, he would weep. But his ignorance, his devotion, keeps him happy. If he knew that the voices on the other side were just like him, but free, what would he think? It would destroy him. Would it be cruel to release him from his prison, to show him the world which had been locked from him? Yes, of course. I made the choice for him long ago, and it cannot be changed. My son will never--never!--be taken by the cruelness and sin of the world. I have given him a life for which so many of us yearn. His care and love will come only through me and he will know nothing of evil.

To protect him fully, I have locked him away.

[Note: Wow, what a weird story that turned out to be. Sorry if it got a bit dark, I wasn't sure where it was going until I was nearly done. Somehow, the idea of a boy trapped between walls in a crappy restaurant and what life would be like in that situation just came to me. Kind of a Plato's Cave sort of story. Anyway, I think I'll quit before it gets any creepier. Good night, all.]

Ordinary Vegan Meal Time: Drunken Riz avec Pain Brulée

2011-03-04T03:05:00.000-06:00

...at least, that's what the online translator called it...

I'm going to do this Ordinary Vegan Meal Time a bit differently. It's based on the impromptu preparation of dish I concocted last night after watching too much Anthony Bourdain and drinking too many beers. The post will take you through my production process, step by step. It's not going to taste good to the sober, and today I can't quite recall what it tasted like last night. Getting excited yet? Good.

In order to properly prepare this dish you're going to need a few things:

Ingredients

Beer - at least a six-pack, doesn't need to be fancy, a decent domestic will do
Wine - in case you run out of beer

Rice - 1 cup
TVP - Textured Vegetable Protein, it usually comes in dried flakes, 1/2 cup
Spices - whatever you happen to have on hand

Bread - one slice
Onion - about 1/2 cup
Garlic - one clove

Preparation

1. Drink at least three of your beers. You're going to need a good, pre-cooking buzz for this to taste right.
2. Measure out the rice, TVP, and spices into a rice cooker or pot. I used a rice cooker, mostly for the "set it and forget it" ease of operation. I seasoned the rice and TVP with salt, pepper, chili powder, paprika, garlic powder, and a few more things...I think. Pretty much, if it's in your spice rack, it belongs in this dish. Most of the ingredients I used are incredibly bland, and require ridiculous amounts of spice to taste of anything.

[Note: Remember that you've been drinking a bit by this point. So, when adding the spices, feel free to add a bit of a flourish to your technique. Do some heel spins, yell, "BAM!" as you add the paprika, try to throw pinches of salt from across the room, etc.]

3. Turn on the cooker and drink another beer.
4. Next, we're going to start on the garnish. If you're motor skills are becoming impaired, don't worry, only basic knife work is required from this point on. Dice the onion, slice up the garlic, and throw both into a hot pan with a bit of olive oil or butter.
5. Once the onion and garlic are cooking through and becoming fragrant, tear a piece of bread into tiny pieces and throw them into the pan. Add more butter and continue to cook on high heat. Now don't worry, this is going to be the crunchy counterpoint to our soft and fluffy rice/TVP mixture, so feel free to burn the shit out of it. I certainly did.
6. At this point, the rice should be about done, the fake pangrattato is about to catch on fire, and you should be pouring another beer. Preferably do this last one into a nice pint glass (you're about to sit down to a fine dinner, why not treat yourself with glassware?).

[Note: You'll notice that there are no accompanying photos for this blog entry. While I was trying to fix my camera's tricky battery configuration, my bread was burning behind me. The result was a burnt mess, a broken camera, and a lackluster blog post.]

7. You're almost done. Serve the rice mixture in a bowl with the garnish sprinkled on top. I served mine with some Sriracha and it was fantastic...I think.

In Conclusion

So that's it. I strongly suggest that you do not try this at home. If you can, imagine for a moment the situation in which I found myself last night: delusions of grandeur from hours of watching cooking shows, belly full of barely alcoholic grain-water, and a soul filled to the brim with sadness. I sat, hunched over my coffee table, drinking my last beer in a vain attempt to wash down the crunchy nonsense detailed above. I really don't expect any of you to go through with this recipe. That's okay. I meant to write this out as a penance, or maybe a cautionary tale, warning all of you to never put yourself in the sad position I did.

bon appétit

Poetry Time: Tonight, We Ride

2011-02-28T04:28:00.004-06:00

...guess what? Apparently I lied about the blog hiatus...

If you'll notice in the previous post, the only reason that I was going to take time from the blog was that I needed to get work done. Now, I'm just procrastinating harder than ever, I've got a 1,200 word essay due in less than twelve hours, and I'm on twitter, writing stupid poetry.

Well, that's not entirely true. I wrote a few tweets out of boredom that I edited into poetry, but that's a distinction that I'm not certified to make. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be calling my drivel "poetry". Oh well, here goes.

Tonight, We Ride

My good-hearted men,

we flee at dusk!

Our places be empty,

'fore the sun shows us gone.

Our horses are driven,

hooves pounding the plains.

The dry ground beneath,

shows no sign of our passage.

The mountains, they beckon,

nearer, nearer.

The forest is calming,

Its shade can restore.

We sleep in the trees

throughout the midday,

not listing our troubles.

For tonight, we ride.

Short Break, Back Tuesday

2011-02-26T14:58:00.000-06:00

...in which I preemptively distance myself from the blog...

I'm going to be gone for a few days, potentially until tuesday. I've got several essays due on Monday; and if I've learned anything from my Red Sonja review, it's that you can't write essays when you're spending several hours researching an obscure film.

So I'm going cold turkey from the blog for a bit, hopefully I'll get some real work done, and I'll be back tuesday with some kind of written thing.

Thanks for reading, see you soon.

Rapid Fire Reviews (#33-37)

2011-02-25T11:18:00.000-06:00

...in which all five of these movies were new to me...

I've decided to tack on a new stipulation for my version of GentlemanBeggar's 200 movies in a year challenge. Since the rate of movies is no problem (I'm ahead of the curve despite being lazy in my watching), I've decided to require that at least half of these movies be those that I've never seen. Now, this may seem like an easy task, but I'm like a 6 year old when it comes to film; I have a small set of movies that I love to watch over and over, sometimes until the DVD catches fire (I've worn out a copy of Dune that way). If you're interested, the current ratio is 20 new out of 37 total, or 54% for those maths-minded.

Okay, let's get started.

#33. Contact

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 1997

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 150 min

My Rating: 3.5/5

Comments: Based on Carl Sagan’s novel, Contact follows a radio astronomer (Jody Foster) as she intercepts an alien broadcast. It’s interesting to see the difference in responses between the religious right, the government agencies, and the scientists as they all attempt to make sense of the broadcast. The film’s climax is really imaginative and visually beautiful. The slow buildup and deliberate, though often meandering, plot makes for a interesting watch, but at 150 minutes, it’s a bit too long. If you enjoy seeing science portrayed in a generally honest and realistic way, it’s worth the watch.

#34. Trust Us, This Is All Made Up

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 2009

MPAA Rating: NR

Running Time: 83 min

My Rating: 4/5

Comments: This strange mix of documentary filmmaking and improv comedy gives information and insight on the long running double act of TJ Jagodowksi and David Pasquesi. The documentary portion of the film shows what goes on inside the minds of these two performers, and for the last half of the film, we get to see them in action. It’s a funny and insightful look at an often overlooked type of live comedy.

#35. Red Sonja

Source: Netflix Instant - Queue

Released: 1985

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 89 min

My Rating: 2/5

Comments: Most of my thoughts on the movie have been covered by my review here. I can say that this film is fairly typical, given the genre, but seriously lacking in entertainment value. There are many scenes in which you will laugh at the lack of acting talent, low budget, and boring fights, but that’s usually not what you want in a movie. In the end, the movie doesn’t have much to redeem it.

#36. Mondovino

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 2005

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 131

My Rating: 1/5

Comments: This obnoxiously pretentious documentary on the current state of winemaking has aspirations of artfulness, but the execution of an ADD afflicted 12 year old. The constant shaky, poor quality, and unfocused cinematography too often takes the focus off of the individual being interviewed and onto minutia in the periphery, I guess to try an add a sense of atmosphere. The sound is poorly recorded and the musical choices are odd at best. Most importantly, the point of the documentary was muddled by meandering interviews, poorly made points, and the shaky visuals and sound. I love wine, but hated this film.

#37. Final

Source: Netflix Instant - Random

Released: 2001

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 111 min

My Rating: 4.5/5

Comments: I really enjoyed this film. Dennis Leary—well, his character, Bill—wakes up in a mental hospital with a tenuous grasp on his memories and reality. His confused journey, told mostly in flashbacks and dialogues with his doctor, tell a very complex and non-linear story in an interesting way. Critics will claim that this movie is too slowly paced, but I happen to love them that way. It tells as much of the story through silence and visual cues as it does in dialogue. The film was shot simply, sometimes producing grainy shots, but I’m able to overlook the blemishes in this case. It’s a great story with a lot of hidden meanings and content below its surface. It’s definitely worth watching. (Also, there’s an unexpected cameo from comedian Jim Gaffigan, surprisingly playing a straight, non-comedic role)

Dollhouse: A Retrospective

2011-02-24T16:16:00.001-06:00

...why the show was destined for cancellation from season one...

The History

The real story of Dollhouse begins with Firefly. Way back in 2002, Firefly, a new scifi-western series was picked up by Fox. Created by Joss Whedon, the show had a fantastically talented and well chosen ensemble cast, smart, fast, writing, and a really unique visual style. The show had everything, and its enduring fans stand in testament to that. However, the show performed poorly on the network. Why? Because Fox fucked it over. That's right. I'm going there.

Due to some executive decisions in Fox's secret underground bunker, episodes were played out of their written order, presumably because they felt that the introductory episode didn't pack enough of a punch to score big with the young male demographic. This meant that we were not slowly and carefully introduced to the characters as we had been in the first real episode, but rather thrown straight into the action with episode 2 - The Train Job. The end result? The series didn't even get to air its entire first season. Three of the original episodes were never aired on Fox. It was criminal.

Joss Whedon was warned to never work with Fox again. Look at what they had done to his flagship show, arguably more popular than Buffy, despite the fact that Firefly only had a single, botched season on network TV. But the past would be past, he would surely learn his lesson and work with a network that would respect him, treat him right.

What's that? A new Whedon show? Sweet! On Fox?! Goddammit.

The Premise

[Note: I've kept the article 99% spoiler free, but one or two might have slipped through. Use discretion.]

The show is called Dollhouse. Simple Enough. It's a near-future, The Matrix meets The Pretender kind of character-driven drama. In a secret facility, the dollhouse, agents routinely have their minds imprinted with another person's psyche. The actives, as they're called, can literally become someone else. In mind, at least, their bodies stay the same. The dollhouse then rents these copies out to the rich in need of specialists, assassins, or sexy sex times (they do this last one a lot).

The show does have an overarching narrative, though its episodic nature too often gets in the way of that story. Starring Eliza Dushku, who also worked on Whedon's Buffy and Angel, and a very talented supporting cast, the show ran for two seasons before cancellation (though I would argue that it went for exactly two seasons too long).

But enough about this stuffy nonsense, let's talk about why the show was terrible!

Why the show was terrible!

Dollhouse is yet another example of a series with unlimited and unexplored potential. You've got a premise that perfectly allows your cast (hopefully made up of wide ranging character actors) to play a new and different character each week. These imprinted personae would be varied, outlandish, insightful looks at the multiple facets of each active's personality. The plot would take them to exciting places, get them into danger, allow for romances to be made and broken. It's the perfect premise for an episodic show, though it has been done before **cough, The Pretender, cough**. However, it also had one of the best new television writers behind it, potentially allowing the show to transcend its episodic nature and become something enduring and profound.

However, Dollhouse fails on every, single, level.

In the first few episodes of the series, we're introduced to the concept of the dollhouse, the characters (in particular, Echo, Dushku's character, an active), and the nature of the dollhouse's business. We're also shown a tantalizing hint at new possibilities: What kind of implications would the dollhouse have, if it were real? What happens when something goes wrong? Are these people slaves, or volunteers? But we aren't given answers. Week after week we follow Echo as she does one task after the next, becoming a new imprint at the beginning of the episode, doing a thing, and returning home to be wiped, ready for next week. This is the reason why, in my first time watching the show, I quit after only three episodes. It wasn't worth it for me. It didn't help that the show also aired on the heels of Battlestar Galactica which, though it wasn't perfect, was able to strike a good compromise between episodic troubles and the series-wide human/cylon conflict. Too many times watching Dollhouse I would cry out in anguish, "I don't care that Echo is going to date some rich guy! What about the stuff happening over there?!"

Now, don't get me wrong. Episodic shows can work. Though they are falling out of favor with modern audiences, there are many examples of classic series that do "one episode, one plot" very well. Look at the classic and next generation Star Trek series, or Quantum Leap, or Stargate, or THE PRETENDER. These are all comparable scifi shows that do this formula really well.

As the series progressed through its two short, but yet too-long, seasons, it did begin to focus more on the big picture. Undoubtedly, part of this evolution was Joss Whedon's realization that, with the ratings as poor as they were, he wasn't going to be able to realize his five-year plan for Dollhouse's plot to roll out slowly. Throughout the second season, we're given so many revelations and shocks and double-crosses and sleeper agents that, by the end, it becomes comical. Important characters are killed with no lead up or fanfare, usually to create jump scares or forced emotional moments. Character motivations change wildly, from Agent "I hate the Dollhouse. Oh, now I love the Dollhouse" Ballard to Adelle "am I good, evil, or just drunk" DeWitt. Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.

Are you ready for the #1 worst part of the show? The single element that killed any and all potential this show might have had? Even though I haven't been doing a countdown, I present, Dollhouse's worst problem:

#1. Eliza Dushku

Yes, this is the only emotion she can convey.

She kills this show. Her vacant, doe-eyed expression that never changes, despite playing literally dozens of characters over the course of the series. Her flat, emotionless dialogue delivery, in which she never--NEVER--even attempts a different accent than her own. To be fair, she's got exactly two emotional levels: innocent, and yelling. Anything in between? Nope. And this really is what kills me most about the show. The lead character in a series like this needs to be someone charismatic, someone who can take on wildly different speech patterns and mannerisms each week, while still remaining sympathetic and likable. Everyone else in the show can do it but her. She's a black hole of acting talent, sucking all life and energy out of a scene.

The show is at its best when its lead protagonist isn't present. That, in a sentence, is everything that's wrong with Dollhouse.

I'm not even being hyperbolic. In fact, if you want a counter-example, watch an episode that features Victor and Sierra (two fellow actives) and you'll instantly notice the difference. These two actors, Enver Gjokaj and Dichen Lachman, are absolutely brilliant. These two powerful and versatile character actors can light up any scene like an anti-Dushku beacon of hope and talent. Seeing Victor seamlessly portray Topher (the dollhouse's computer expert) is so far above anything that Echo could portray that it's not even funny.

Enver Gjokaj and Dichen Lachman

In Conclusion

Dollhouse is just an awful waste. So much potential, wasted. So much acting talent, shoved to the periphery. It's sad, really. I'd like to blame the problems on Fox, but I just can't. The show failed miserably, and, if anything, Fox was lenient in giving the show a second season, despite ratings for the first season being lower than those of Firefly, the second season rating lower still.

I wish, more than anything, that the show could have been rebooted in its second season into The Victor and Sierra Show. Seeing those two actors, along with many other notable supporting actors, get canned because the rest of the series tanked around them; it just wasn't fair.

Fool me once, shame on Fox. Fool me twice, and the blame's on you, Whedon.

Hey! Look at that!

2011-02-23T01:15:00.003-06:00

...I've added an "About the Blog" section...

If you'll look to the middle of your screen, just below the logo, you'll see that I have a new tab listed. It's a link to a new page on the blog, an, "about me" section, if you will. I've added it tonight, though only under the insistence of a box of wine. I'll probably edit it heavily tomorrow, but until then, you'll get to enjoy this post, and the horribly cumbersomely written about me section.

Thank god for spellcheck, or I wouldn't have spelled anything in this post correctly.

See you tomorrow!

Red Sonja - Another Lesson in Unnecessary Movies (2 of 2)

2011-02-21T01:39:00.002-06:00

...Gedren! Where are you?!...

[If you haven't already, make sure to read part one.]

When we last left off, things were getting a bit creepy between warrior-woman Red Sonja and the young Prince Tarn. Thank god that the scene ends quickly. There's a strange love triangle that forms between Sonya, Tarn, and Conan throughout the movie. Even though Conan is obviously going to win (come on, these two were literally written for each other), Prince Tarn has that adorable kind of love for Sonja that reminds me of a third-grader's affection for his/her homeroom teacher. It's fun to see the interrelationships form and change--wait, what am I saying?--I think that I'm reading into this film far too deeply.

I've got to admit, my notes here are starting to get a bit sparse. It's not like the movie suddenly gets worse, it's just that I, as a viewer, am not being properly stimulated. There's an enormous blank area in the middle of the film, where there's not enough rising action or tension to keep my interest building. Instead, the excitement plateaus until we reach the final confrontation. By this point I've seen what the movie has to offer (hint: not much), and now I'm watching the movie just to finish it.

Now, don't take that to mean that the movie isn't worth watching (debatable), or that the rest of the review isn't worth reading (because it's great). Come on, let's keep going.

The Plot (Continued)

Anyway. After the "fencing" practice, Sonja, Tarn, and Falkon are forced into a scary cave by a magically conjured storm. Instead of doing the smart thing and waiting for the storm to pass, Tarn goes looking for treasure. Yup. Treasure. So, in trying to pry a giant pearl from a statue's mouth, they spring a trap (surprise!) which causes the room to fill with water and releases a giant, aquatic, mechanical dragon. THEY FIGHT.

Hey! Conan shows up! Now he’s fighting the dragon-thing. THEY FIGHT. It turns out that the only way to take down a mechanical serpent is to pry its eyes out. Does it make sense? Doesn't have to! Onward.

Now our team is back together, and they celebrate by taking a quick breather in a forest. Sonja explains to Conan that no man can have her, save for he who can best her in combat. So, making the sensible move, given the situation, Conan grabs his sword and challenges Sonja. THEY FIGHT.

But really, it’s so much more than that. THEY FIGHT for an incredibly long time, seeming evenly matched. THEY FIGHT until they’re both exhausted, breathless, satisfied. This is the movie’s love scene, and it’s actually an interesting artistic choice.

Yes. I did just use the word “artistic” with regards to Red Sonja. Don’t worry, it passes quickly.

But now, it's the moment we’ve been waiting for, the final confrontation with the evil Queen Gedren. Her castle is predictably evil; presumably built by Skeletor’s architect. As the four noisily and pointlessly sneak up to the front entrance, they decide to split up. They must move quickly. The area around the castle is becoming unstable; the talisman has grown too powerful and is shaking the world apart. THEY’ve got to hurry and complete their individual FIGHT sequences before the movie ends.

Is the “THEY FIGHT” joke getting old? I hope not, I’m going to use it a few more times.

Conan and Falkor get into a scuffle with some of the castle’s henchmen, spilling a perfectly good stew in the process, Tarn keeps watch at the front door and kills Gedren’s escaping Number Two (actually a big door does the job, but the end result is the same), and Sonja finally comes face to face with Gedren.

Their fight takes them from Gedren’s throne room to the room in which the talisman is kept. It’s pretty basic, like most of the fights in the movie, but Gedren’s alchemist makes the first bit of the fight interesting by teleporting Gedren across the room several times.

It might be worth mentioning here that even though the actress playing Gedren is a Conan veteran (she played Valeria in Conan the Barbarian), neither she nor Brigitte are very good with their swords. Gedren does little more than block the blows of Sonja, who is swinging her sword like she’s trying to chop down a tree.

The castle, by this point, is falling down around them. In the chamber with the talisman, enormous, lava-filled chasms are opening in the floor. Sonja chops some more wood, eventually knocking Gedren into the lava chasm. She throws the talisman in too, for good measure.

The four of our heroes then make their way out of the collapsing castle, escaping (of course) just in time. With the talisman destroyed, Sonja’s sister avenged, and the evil queen killed, the world seems safe--safe enough for our leather-clad protagonists to enjoy some sunshine, a couple of good-natured quips, and a final laugh before we go out on a freeze-frame.

It’s over. Wasn’t that fun? Before I dwell too much on the ending, allow me to present:

The Verdict

I try not to expect cinematic masterpieces from sword and sorcery flicks, and this is certainly no exception. Whereas you can normally count on some cheesy acting, epic set pieces, and plenty of sword fights, this film, though never lacking in sword fights, had cheap and disappointing set pieces, and the acting—oh, the acting—I think that a text-to-speech translator could have delivered the lines better than Arnold and Brigitte. In fact, they act so badly, it’s like they’re in a “see who can act worst” competition (they’re tied for 1^st).

As a guy who really enjoyed the Conan films (what guy doesn’t love them?) I was really disappointed with this spin-off. I’m only going to give this one a 2/5 rating and believe me, I’m being generous with the score because of the “so bad it’s good” moments that do occasionally pop up.

The film might be fun if there were some sort of drinking game involved with it—finish a drink whenever Conan unexpectedly saves the day, for example. But otherwise you can skip this one.
Watch the Conan films again, they’re much more fun.

See you next time.

Red Sonja - Another Lesson in Unnecessary Movies (Part 1 of 2)

2011-02-19T01:28:00.002-06:00

...even Conan couldn't help this movie...

There was a time--long in the past, the Hyborian age, perhaps—in which I would have enjoyed this film. In this time I was closer to 14 years old, of less discerning film tastes, and at a maturity level that assured that any movie with boobs and swords was going to be my favorite of all time.

Good news, fellow adolescent film viewers, this film contains both swords and boobs. The swords? They hack and slash throughout. The boobs? When they’re not being concealed by Brigitte Nielson’s leather bodice, exist only in a mystifyingly unnecessary scene that I’ll talk about later. Of course, these are nice additions, but they don’t show up in quantities sufficient enough to drown out the robotic acting, bad effects, and poorly-explained plot. This is the film’s downfall.

But let’s look closer.

The Premise

Red Sonja, the fire-haired, amazonian statured, warrior-woman has a rough past. Her family? Killed. Her home? Burned. Her innocence? Taken by force.

Why has this happened? Why was this young woman's life so brutally destroyed? Because she wouldn't be Queen Gedren's prom date.(It's actually a much darker reason than that. But why ruin our light-hearted mood with things like rape?)

That's right. Opposite Sonja we have Queen Gedren, evil lesbian dominatrix from the kingdom of darkness. She's recently stolen an all-powerful talisman and is up to no good.

The rest follows predictably, Sonja's got to hack her way through the countryside, get to Gedren, and restore peace to the world. Easy.

The Plot

This film is, as most Sword and Sorcery flicks are, very light in plot. The typical narrative consists of an inciting incident, usually something that requires revenge, a long bit in the middle where the warrior, or team of warriors, travel to their destination, crossing through several contrived set pieces along the way, and the final confrontation, usually at a massive, evil castle, a dark mountain, or some sort of hell portal.

The inciting incident of the movie has been explained above. Sonja rejects Gedren's advances, and subsequently watches her world burn. Of course, we don't see any of this happen. In the opening scenes of the film, Sonja is told, BY A GHOST, what has just happened to her. It's an odd storytelling choice, one might even say a poor storytelling choice. Rather than let us feel the loss and sorrow associated with the death of one's family, we're treated to a fuzzy, emotionless montage of murder and arson, all courtesy of a droning, female Ghost-Obi-Wan stand in.

Before I go much further, I'll need to say some quick words about the fighting in the film. (1.) There's a lot of it. (2.) It all involves people getting slashed or stabbed with broadswords. (3.) Minions fall by the dozens in these battles, but our main characters ALWAYS emerge unscathed. (4.) They're all basically the same.

Therefore, whenever one of these scenes occurs, I'll save both of us time by simply writing, "THEY FIGHT."

So, using this new shorthand, the plot goes something like this:

Gedren steals the all-powerful talisman from a group of female monks - THEY FIGHT.

Oh hey! Sorry to interrupt, but Conan shows up! This movie does exist in the same continuity as the previous Conan films, so it's not too odd that he'd appear. He serves the purpose of "sending off" the spin off. He's the one that's prominently on the DVD cover, although he only serves a supporting role in the film. Really, he's only here to transition this movie into a new continuity of the Conan series, to aid a smooth transition between the Arnold era and the planned era of Brigitte. Oh, and he looks badass and he swings a big sword. What more could you ask of him?

Back to the plot! Conan (calling himself Kalidor, presumably for copyright reasons) meets up with Sonja and informs her that her sister (one of the female monks from earlier) is dead. Sonja grabs a magical singing sword (don't worry, it's never referenced again) and begins her journey to the dark land.

After meeting with her dying sister and vowing revenge, she comes upon a recently conquered land (Gedren's power is increasing, thanks to the talisman), and its ruler, a boy-king named Tarn. His royal attendant, Falkon, is here as well. In short, nothing much happens in this scene, we're just introducing these two comic relief characters who will undoubtedly show up later.

Oh no, we've entered the land of King Brytag and he demands a toll: THEY FIGHT.

Some bandits are threatening Tarn and Falkon: THEY FIGHT.

Back to Gedren in her evil palace. She's got a female love-slave, a giant spider-pet, and her very own alchemist. Wishing to know what the good guys are up to, she shouts for her alchemist to show her on a magic mirror. The giant, smoky mirror poofs into activity when--wait, is that a naked lady in the mirror? Why is she dancing? What's going on?--oh, there they are. Sonja, Tarn, and the gang are headed to--

You want to know about the naked dancing lady? It's not explained. Never. I guess the magic mirror has one of those porny screen savers. The alchemist probably just forgot to delete it when Gedren came back.Maybe the dancing naked lady was there for her. Who knows, it was probably just an excuse to get some boobs into the movie. Gotta keep the key demographic happy!

You'll notice that the movie has been going on for a while now, and without any kind of romance subplot. Wait no further! We are treated to a steamy scene in a cozy cave between--Sonja and Tarn? He's, like 12 years old! Regardless, I think there's more going on in this scene that just a simple fencing lesson.

Sonja: You were disarmed because you hold the hilt too tight. Grip gently, see?

Tarn: Gently, I see, like this? [moves her hands to his...hilt]

Sonja: Your Highness learns fast.

The (abrupt) End of Part One

I'd love to sit and talk about this movie for another couple hundreds of words, but it's getting a bit late. So I'll leave the review there, end it on a sexy note. Come back next time when we'll see the thrilling conclusion to Red Sonja.

Will she avenge the deaths of her family members? Will the talisman be destroyed? Will Arnold show up again? Will we be as bored as we were for part one?

These questions and more will be answered in PART TWO.

Rapid Fire Reviews (#28-32)

2011-02-16T18:02:00.000-06:00

...yay movies!...

I've found that recently I've been getting backed up on my film watching. Not that I can't watch as many movies as I'd like, but that I'm watching them faster than I can properly review them.

So here's my next batch--you'll probably see more quite soon, as I have several more that are waiting for their write-ups. Enjoy.

#28. The Dunwich Horror

Source: Netflix Instant - Queue

Released: 1970

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 90

My Rating: 4/5

Comments: This film is described as featuring one of the rare leading roles for Dean Stockwell. I really enjoy his performances in projects like Quantum Leap, Dune, Blue Velvet, and most recently, the Battlestar Galactica remake. He’s a great character actor and in this film he really gets to show off his creepy side. He’s a warlock (of course) who is trying to bring a Lovecraftian Apocalypse to Earth via a strange ritual involving a kidnapped woman. The tone is tense, slow-building, and creepy throughout the quite short running time. It’s well worth checking out if you enjoy Dean Stockwell’s work or the writing of H.P. Lovecraft, upon which the movie is based.

#29. The Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 2010

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 116

My Rating: 2/5

Comments: I knew what I was getting into when I put this movie on. It’s bad. Starring racially miscast parkour warrior Jake Gyllenhaal as the prince, the story is a Arabian swords and sandals fantasy revolving around a plot to blackmail the prince and take the throne. The writing is terribly written and poorly delivered, and the plot is really just a conveyor belt to get us from one setpiece to the next. Ben Kingsley is the all-too-obvious villain (when is he not?), but even his performance is phoned in. Skip it, even if you love the game.

#30. 2010: The Year We Make Contact

Source: Netflix Instant - Queue

Released: 1984

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 116

My Rating: 4/5

Comments: The sequel to the groundbreaking 2001: A Space Odyssey doesn’t quite live up to its predecessor. The first was slowly and deliberately paced, gently moving us through the solar system with beautiful model work and visual effects, but the sequel chooses not to follow this style in the slightest. It feels less like a grand space opera and more like any other conventional scifi/adventure film. It’s well acted and the characterization is there, but it really doesn’t live up to 2001. That being said, it’s certainly not a bad film, and the book is maybe my favorite in the 2001 series by Arthur Clarke. But, go into the film sans expectations from the first, and enjoy it for what it is.

#31. Tron: Legacy

Source: Torrent

Released: 2010

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 125 min

My Rating: 2/5

Comments: Yet another example of a sequel that doesn’t live up to its namesake. Legacy is, ultimately, a very forgettable action movie that only remains Tron on a superficial level. I understand the studio’s desire to add some youth and action into the world of Tron, especially after such a long break, but the movie isn’t done as well as it should have been. My expectations clouding my reviews again, I know, but regardless of how you feel about the original, this sequel is typical Hollywood: lots of flash and special effects, but lacking an original plot or characters. I will say, the Daft Punk soundtrack is incredible, listen to it instead.

#32. Defiance

Source: Watched in Class

Released: 2008

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 137 min

My Rating: 4/5

Comments: This is the gripping story of a band of fugitive Jews during the Second World War, trying to rebuild their lives while hiding from the Germans. Lead by the fantastic Daniel Craig and Liev Schreiber (playing two Jewish brothers who assembled the runaways), the movie is a new take on the WWII war drama. The action, setting, drama, everything is quite good and well-worth watching. And, the fact that it’s based closely on a real story adds a lot of weight to the story, especially the ending.

That's it for this week. If you've got a movie that you'd like me to review, or if you just want to know what I think about a particular film, just leave a comment and I'll get back to you with an answer. Thanks for reading.

Nerdy Valentine's Day

2011-02-16T10:42:00.001-06:00

...or why, if I didn't already have a girlfriend, I'd be forever alone...

We had a fun time yesterday, despite celebrating Valentine's day one day late (due to our pesky Monday schedules). Surprisingly enough, the night turned out to be a Battlestar Galactica themed event (maybe not so surprising, we finished the series on netflix yesterday). The show inspired this eight-sided card.

I was going to use a scantily clad Tricia Helfer card, but felt that it might not be appropriate.

I know. It's great. I love puns too. The dinner duties were delegated (forced) to (on) me, and so I whipped up a very fancy vegan mushroom and tofurkey pizza.

Not BSG-related, but delicious, nonetheless.

After that, we watched the incredibly long finale, discussed how much we hated the ending, and I was able to settle down to wine and katamari.

Perfection.

I might have been scammed by a deaf lady...

2011-02-14T05:26:00.001-06:00

...and why I don't really care...

It's a funny thing when someone knocks on your door in the middle of the night. One half of my perks up--one of my many friends is here for an impromptu visit!--but the other half is gripped with terror--murderer, rapist, bill collector, oh god oh god oh god. Turns out that our unexpected visitor tonight was neither.

She knocks on my door, completely unassuming, probably not a murderer, but I'm still a bit tense (I blame procedural cop dramas for my fear of strangers). I try to say hello, but she instantly makes the signal for, "I can't hear you, nor can I speak to tell you that I can't hear you."

Okay, this is going to be a new experience for me. She mimes writing on paper and I rush inside to grab my sketchpad and a pen. In immaculate, but nervous handwriting she scrawls a message for me:

A hastily drawn and poorly photographed sketch of the event.

Sorry to bother, my truck ran out, can you help w/ gas, cause I need to pick up my kids I have $$ but won't make it to [nearby town], truck is diesel

Of course I'm inclined to believe her. So my girlfriend and I scramble around the house, looking for extra cash, and come up with five dollars and change to give her. She waits really patiently and politely outside the front door as we make fools of ourselves, rushing around the small apartment. We give her the wad of cash and she nods and signs, "Thank you." Again, super polite, courteous, the whole bit.

A quick point to the nearest gas station and she starts off, on her merry way.

But this, dear readers, is where the plot potentially thickens. My girlfriend, expressing her bemusement at this story, begins to relate it with our friends online. We're not the first to be visited by deaf lady. Apparently she's made a business out of this little transaction.

Now, I might normally have been dismayed at this news, maybe even a little angry, but tonight I'm not. In fact, I'm disappointed that [girlfriend] told me that part of the story. Let me tell you why.

This encounter was a win-win scenario for both parties involved. She got five bucks and maybe a reassurance of peoples' decency (or gullibility, but I'm hoping for the best here), and we got to feel like fifteen minute heroes for helping somebody out. That, and it added some spice to what would have otherwise been just another night sitting at our computers (in this case we were both writing essays).

So I guess the moral of the story here is: Good on ya, deaf lady.

My New Favorite Thing - Part Two

2011-02-12T18:15:00.000-06:00

...in which I highlight a good screenplay...

Browsing screenplays is often a painful experience. Like I mentioned in the previous post, nearly all of those that I come across are irredeemably written, and not in the funny, riffable way. This one is different.

It's called Gehenna, and the screenplay is a great example of Western Supernatural--think Dark Tower or Jonah Hex. Deals are made with the devil, and several lives hang in the balance. The characters have to come together and make the right choices...or else.

Anyway, besides being a little derivative of the genre, it's a really well written piece. The plot is intricate and well-thought out, the characters are fantastically written, and the complex ending is really satisfying. Basically, this is the only screenplay I've read that could actually become a movie.

If you'd like more, you can find the project page here, or read my full review here. Check it out, it's well worth your time.

My New Favorite Thing - Amazon Studios

2011-02-11T02:46:00.003-06:00

...or, why I love bad screenplays...

I can't deny it. I love it when media goes bad. Today I'm talking about horrible movies and vomit-inducing writing. I can't get enough.

So, when I found out that these two "genres" can be combined, I was there. I'm talking today about Amazon Studios, a site which provides an outlet for amateur filmmakers and screenwriters to get their work onto the internet--it's like the YouTube of film. And, while there are many good screenplays and movies on the site, I couldn't care about them less. I'm rooting for the little guy, those who are throwing ideas onto the internet and seeing which ones stick. And although purposefully choosing and reviewing the least popular screenplays may seem a bit of an odd choice, but right now I see myself as the Robin Hood of bad screenplays.

So here are some of the screenplays I've read over the last few days, and a short synopsis of each. You should check them out, if only to give these people a bit of feedback. They have, after all, worked hard on these.

#1. Lobster Cop

That's right. Fucking Lobster Cop. Unfortunately, it's not about a human-crustacean hybrid, patrolling the streets with his own brand of justice; though that does sound pretty good. It's the typical, New York cop moves to New England to live the life of a lobster farmer type of movie. It's a comedy, though many of the jokes are pretty poorly timed. The lead role would need to be the charmingest man in the world to pull the humor out of this one. Nevertheless, it's decently written, with a fun, action-packed climax.

#2. Last Earth

I actually really enjoyed this one. Last Earth is a sci-fi story with an interesting premise and decent execution. The story begins with an advanced alien ship coming to Earth. We soon find that the aliens are actually an ancient race of Humans, who populated this planet as a colony hundreds of thousands of years ago. They look down at the current state of the planet and decide that we have failed the planet and it's time to start over with a new batch of humans. Intrepid astronauts must save the Earth, and the rest plays out. There are several great characters and relationships in the screenplay which really move it along, along with a plot which, at times, can be pretty exciting. Pacing and tone issues are present, but minor, and could be ironed out with another draft.

#3. Easter Rising

This screenplay features Zombie Jesus. Normally this would be a quick way of assuring my seal of approval, but this screenplay is so poorly written, I couldn't get through it. It's a zombie flick that centers around a biblical curse which causes anything that dies and is buried over Easter weekend rises from its grave--get it? like Jesus! However, the script is so badly written on the technical level (spelling, grammar, syntax, everything) that it's like something I would have written when I was 12. Skip this one until a better draft emerges.

#4. Black Wars Deus Ex Macchina

Oh man. I'm going to spend a lot of time on this one. Here's a sample of the screenplay, to show you why:

SyndiEsis
Oh no you don’t when I say oh no you don’t I can be your size and take you on suckers. Come on beat on a women your size. There, settle. You sea carbuncles. Well look at me, my mind’s eye reflects ain’t she a beauty. I love my new coif. Look at those foils. Whoa baby come back. I can get a big black dog marine’s tags excited. Dressed to the nines and speaking with a hitch, like a witch from Holly’s hood. I get away from my danger. I finally get to use human colored personifications of scalar matter scatter energy fields.

Her military patch still there adorning a strong upper arm. With her matter energy goose bumps began pulverizing to smitherines the would be piranha still alive on her skin.

Oh yeah, it's all like that. I didn't even pick the worst, I just chose a patch of dialogue at random and reproduced it here. To the best of my knowledge, this screenplay was written by, oh, what's the word? A crazy person. That being said, it's a hell of a time to read.

The rules of grammar, syntax, vocabulary--the rules of writing itself mean nothing in this world of quantum strangeness and military conspiracies. From what I can decode, people transform into whales, make clothing out of leaves with the aid of "quantum friction," and perform many, many more inconceivable or indecipherable feats. It could be that the screenplay is written in some sort of schizophrenic shorthand that only the author can read, and, in that case, I'm doomed in trying to understand it. But, every few pages you find a sentence that makes sense, and it's beautiful. It's like finding an oasis in a desert of bad writing. The sentences that do make sense sound like they've been taking from a space-obsessed, prog-rock band.

For example:

COUNTERCULTURE HUSBAND MALE
What would it take for you to liberate me from this interpolate creature from hell?

Oh man, what does it mean?! Wait, who is this character?

It's strange, but I can't keep my eyes off of this screenplay. On one hand, it's the worst thing I've ever read, but on the other...genius. I'm finding it harder and harder to type coherently, I think I've been infected by it.

END OF TRANSMISSION LINE CODE ALPHA. THE POROUS METAL APERTURE LEAKING FLUIDS OF LIFE ONTO THE STARBRIGHT COSMOSPHERE FOUND NOTHING OF INTEREST THERE. FRANTIC RAMP LOADNG DOCKS OF IRIDESCENT WHO IS THERE TO FIND ME. Anyway, see you next time, keep reading. BEGIN NEW TRANSMISSION FORWARD TO HIGH COUNCIL MEETING FURNACE TURNED TO HIGH BURN BURN BURN.

The Portable Sketch Kit

2011-02-07T08:07:00.000-06:00

...in which you can follow along, and make your own!...

I've come into an interesting new phase in creating (the drivel I like to call) my art. Since Christmas, I've been using, almost exclusively, a mix of pencil, pen, and charcoal. It's a great way of working in black and white, and also a convenient way of creating a decent sketch in a short amount of time.

Here's my kit:

Everything, besides the nicely sized 9" x 12" sketchbook, is contained within the tin in which my set of charcoal pencils came. It's everything I need (besides my laptop, but I'll get to that in a second) to create a work of (what I like to call) art.

Here is a detailed view of the kit's contents, in order of my use.

* Bic mechanical pencils, 0.7mm - used for lightly sketching the general idea or shape of the work.
* Polymer Eraser - save your pencils' erasers with one of these, good for erasing the sketch lines or mistakes (of which I make plenty)
* Ink Pens - In my kit I keep a fine tipped Le Pen (0.5mm) and a slightly fatter Sharpie Pen, both black. These are for penning the hard outlines of your sketch, or creating (what I call) hard blacks, those areas you want to be absolutely dark.
* Real Wood Charcoal - These are really soft and easy to smear, good for when you need large areas of diffuse shade.
* Charcoal Smudger - Save your fingers, spreads out areas of charcoal for even coverage.
* Charcoal Blocks and Pencils - Better for smaller, final details, separated into soft, medium, and hard grades.

Now, these are the tools I use, and a vague explanation of how I use them. Maybe next time I'll talk about how I upload and process my finished sketches. Until then, thanks for reading, I'll see you soon.

From the Sketchbook

2011-02-06T04:48:00.001-06:00

...oh dear, not another one of these...

That's right, dear readers, since I've been so utterly bored this last week (snowfall keeping me inside), I haven't had anything blog-worthy to post. Instead, I've been watching countless hours of old shows on Netflix and generally being a layabout.

But that's about to change! Well, no, not really. Here are some sketches, though.

Our favorite Skeptic/Believer duo, Mulder and Skully!

I'm a big fan of Fringe, and so I thought I'd check up on the series that pioneered the genre of paranormal investigation (not you, Ghost Hunters). It's still an incredibly entertaining show, if a bit predictable.

Evil Carl Sagan, striking from his hidden Fortress of the Imagination

An all-day Cosmos marathon is also a really great way to spend thirteen hours of your life. Despite being made in the late 80s, the scientific insights and information are still incredibly relevant. This show was great at being at the cutting edge of science, and remains one of the most imaginative and moving science programs ever made.

[Cosmos on Hulu]

The incredibly prolific, Cinema Snob!

Finally, the Cinema Snob. One of my favorite reviewers on That Guy with the Glasses, he takes on the very worst of classic [insert any genre]-sploitation films. In addition to that, his blog is updated extremely quickly with new content. I could only dream of being so busy here.

[Note: I guess this is a decent sketch, but really doesn't capture the Snob well. It wasn't until I finished and stepped back that I realized that the beard is too full and his forehead too small. Oh well, that's why you don't pay me the big bucks.]

In closing: the snow is beginning to melt, and soon I'll be back to my jet-setting life of adventure. In the meantime, I'll continue to be extremely boring. Good luck all, especially to those who are more snowed in than I.

Rapid Fire Reviews (#23-27)

2011-02-03T17:21:00.000-06:00

...in which snow keeps me inside all day...

As most of you in the US know, we're currently in a time of crisis. This, is SNOWMAGEDDON.

Well, it's not nearly that bad, but I've been snowed in for the last few days (if only due to our city's lack of snow-clearing knowledge). In the meantime, here are some movies that I've been watching to pass the time.

#23. Flashpoint

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 2007

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 88 min

My Rating: 2/5

Comments: There was something about this martial arts crime thriller that failed to grab me. The plot was, especially for the second act, tiresome, slow, and formulaic. Aside from two excellent fight sequences (during the opening and climax of the movie) featuring Donnie Yen, the movie was very forgettable.

#24. Blade II

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 2002

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 117 min

My Rating: 3/5

Comments: This movie, aside from excellent direction from Guillermo Del Toro and his imaginative visual style, fell prey to an overcomplicated plot and an overabundance of contrived moments. The story follows the basic, and slightly tired, formula of, “hero must align with former villains to conquer a greater threat,” that so many sequels get bogged down with. The first act of the film shines with originality while re-introducing the old characters and unveiling their common threat, but quickly turns into a flashy action movie with little new to bring to the table.

#25. Star Trek IV – The Voyage Home

Source: Netflix Instant - Random

Released: 1986

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 118

My Rating: 3/5

Comments: This movie, in which the crew of the Enterprise, onboard a stolen Klingon bird of prey, travel back in time to the 1980s, so that they can abduct two blue whales, in order to communicate with a renegade space-cylinder and save the Earth. This film is just as silly as the plot would suggest. It’s much less hard science fiction, than it is wacky romp through a fish (or, dare I say, whale?) out of water story. Plot holes abound, but if you don’t care about that, or if you only came for the “nookular wessels,” you might enjoy it. Otherwise, go watch Wrath of Khan again.

#26. Inception

Source: DVD - Owned

Released: 2010

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 148 min

My Rating: 5/5

Comments: Without a doubt, my favorite movie from 2010. Christopher Nolan’s exciting delve into the world of dreams is one of the best new concepts introduced into film since The Matrix. The film is imaginative, complex, and incredibly stylish. Leo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt lead the cast with spot-on performances and prove that they are two of the best modern leading men.

#27. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Source: Netflix Instant - Whim

Released: 1989

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 107 min

My Rating: 2.5/5

Comments: While this is definitely the worst in the Original Series run of Star Trek films, it’s not an irredeemable movie. It’s just, misguided. Most of the ideas are interesting and film-worthy, but there’s an underlying lack of basic film-sense (partially, in my opinion, because of Shatner directing). It’s not a good movie, but it’s still one that you should watch if you’re making your way through the movie series.

Regular Ordinary Vegan Mealtime!

2011-01-30T14:35:00.001-06:00

...in which I create some swedish cuisine...

Hold on. Before you go any further, watch this video.

Needless to say, I too was impressed. I enjoyed the spectacle so much that I decided to craft a vegan version of a meal which is originally anything but. Here's how it goes:

Regular Ordinary Ingredients

Unsweetened Rice Milk
Parkay Squeezy Butter
Salt (ordinary)
Nutmeg (regular)
Nutritional Yeast (optional)
2/3 lbs. Macaroni
Vegan Sliced Deli "Ham"

[A note on measurements: in keeping with the video, I won't be using exact, or even approximate, measurements. This dish is best when eyeballed, anyway.]

Pour the rice milk into your pasta pot, add to this a bunch of squeezy butter, and generous pinches of nutmeg and salt, and bring the mixture to a low boil. Add the macaroni, and prepare to prepare the "sidepork."

Rub down a baking sheet with more squeezy butter and salt and lay down slices of the deli ham in a single layer. Wait until the macaroni is almost done to throw this in the oven; if it's kept in too long, the ham bits will dry out and harden.

Speaking of which, the mac is probably still boiling at this point. Let the batch simmer down, there's no draining here, we're cooking it directly in the eventual sauce. Nutritional yeast, at this point, can add some great umami to the dish, but if you don't have any, it can do without.

Cook the macaroni down until it's thick enough for your liking and serve it with the crispy ham bits on top. Done.

Bonus! A blurry photo of the finished product.

Blog Post-crastination

2011-01-25T20:35:00.001-06:00

...in which I forgo the completion of an essay...

I've got an essay due tomorrow, but that doesn't matter now. I've done a comic!

Inspired by this Neil DeGrasse Tyson video, which I watched tonight (instead of working). Hope you enjoy! Procrastinate Now!

Maybe someday I'll tell the story of the night I met Dr. DeGrasse Tyson (I'm a Physics student in addition to superstar blog sensation, after all) but I'll save it for another time.

From the Sketchbook

2011-01-24T08:40:00.001-06:00

...a tale of Dungeons, Dragons, and Lizardmen...

It may surprise you to learn (because I'm such a cool guy) that I'm also an experienced player of Dungeons and Dragons--a Dungeon Master, no less. From my apartment, I run a weekly game for several of my friends in which we battle monsters, save damsels, and make dick jokes about every monster we encounter. You see, that's the magic (no pun) of a completely open-ended game like D&D. In what other fantasy game could we board a boat called the S.S. Fellow Ship and mingle with its all-gay muscle-bound crew, take the ship to Pirate Island, brave the dreaded Twisty Caverns, and castrate the defeated lizardmen inside (the player's idea, not mine) to sell their prized genitalia on the black market?

But I'm not here to talk at length about the game, since you're probably not interested anyway. It is the lizardmen that have brought me here, but for a different reason. I have a sketch.

And while this may look like the Creature from the Black Lagoon (because it is), it is, in fact, a lizardman from my game.

Rather than play using the miniature figures which were so pushed by the Wizards of the Coast marketing department, I've devised my own system of play, using one inch square tokens, each adorned with a lovely portrait such as this. If anyone is interested in the system I use, I could post some more details about it (I think it's quite clever), but if not, I'll continue to occasionally post pictures of the minis I'm proud of.